Generally speaking, I’m a type A. Not the jerk kind who drives herself and everyone else in her immediate sphere crazy and to the point of exhaustion with busyness and accomplishment. (At least I don’t think I am…) But in all honesty, I do love a task. And I love accomplishing it. Sometimes when something gets hold of my attention and affection, I am a bit driven to complete it till it conforms with the vision in my head. Till I beat it into submission and bend it to my will as I attempt to conquer the world!!!
(Insert evil villain laugh here circa Dr. Evil. See below.)
Well, maybe I do need to dial it back a bit…but my point is generally that I like to get certain things done. I’m a do-er. And of course over the years I’ve translated this, often in unhealthy ways, to my relationship with God. Sigh.
I get something on my mind – like dealing with an issue He has brought to my attention. Say, my fear of the future. (Since I’m sure I’m the only one who struggles with this, you can use your imagination to follow me here.) And I go to work. I find all sorts of scriptures on the topic and write out memory cards. I ask wise people’s opinions. I read voraciously till I’m brain-full. I develop a strategy and game plan. You get the picture. I am quite the focused busy beaver. Chewing trees and building great big dams in the middle of everything.
Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd then I realize that I can’t fix something like that. I can’t snap my fingers and say, “No fear!” Even when I put forth all kinds of effort to lay the groundwork for true life change. At some point, God either shows up and does the work in me, or I am completely lost. Sometimes it feels like being 3 years old and really really wanting to turn the light on in a room when I can’t reach the switch. I can bang my head against the wall, jump up and down and cry all day long. And all that effort still won’t turn the light on. Someone bigger than me has to come on the scene and flip the switch. Sometimes sanctification looks like that in my life.
What Jesus is teaching me is to learn passivity. To wait quietly, sometimes in the dark (but never alone) until it is time for the lights to come on. I have to learn to let Him lead, to let Him be the initiator and Sovereign in my life. And this doesn’t come easily to this busy girl. In fact, it has become a primary lesson He is trying to teach me. To let Him lead. For me to be passive before Him and let Him do His thing.
That way I can never mistake His work in my life for my efforts and say in my heart, “Look what I did!”. Or remain unsure of His willingness and ability to intervene on my behalf because I pre-empted His work in my life.
And this is so counter to how I normally operate that it is quite a challenge. It is like He is saying, “Surprise! Contrary to all of your preconceived notions of how you should relate to me, I don’t want you to do a thing here. Instead, I want you to let Me do something on your behalf. Will you let me?”
Will I let Him? What a question…
Learning to do nothing, while He acts on my behalf. To rest in Him. To wait on Him. To watch what He is doing in my life and get out of His way. To stop talking so much and learn to listen. To give Him the space and time in my life to actually be my God and Savior. Will I? And if I won’t why?
Evidently I have been pushing Him out of the way with all my activity. To which He has basically said, “Chill out, baby girl.”
In the past I’ve viewed passivity as weakness. Yet Jesus is teaching me that intentional passivity is actually quite a difficult and powerful spiritual discipline. And it is also an incredible doorway that He walks through on His way in to my life and heart. So I’m asking myself these days, “How can I get out of Jesus’ way as He moves in my life? How can I invite Him to tame the destructive type A tendencies in me that rob me of His presence, without destroying something of how He has wired me to be?”
And what exactly does a beautifully healthy, spiritually passive life before Him look like?
I’ve sort of been dealing with this myself. For more than a few weeks I have not heard from God. And of course I asked myself “why”….all the while I continued to be “busy” with work and ministry. Realizing I needed to “be still” so that God could be heard in my life I finally said “ok…I’ll rest for a while”. It feels awkward to say that I’ll rest; that I’ll not “do” right now. It seemed like I was admitting weakness, which of course I hate to admit. That decision was made a few weeks ago on a Monday night at about 6:00 pm. By 6:15 am the next morning the Holy Spirit spoke so clearly that I had no choice but to respond in obedience. I had to be willing not only to get rid of the busyness but then to actually do it before I could hear what He said. Like you, I often am not “hearing” because I’m too busy “doing”.
Being still and allowing the Holy Spirit to speak is necessay. If Jesus himself took time to get away then I have to see my place right now as not only okay, but necessay, and even Godly. If the God who created all there is, including me, is speaking to me and I’m too busy to listen, I suppose I’ve put myself in a place where communication is hindered and I am actually making “my” decisions while hoping God will bless them.
I thank God that He put people in my life at the right time to help me see that being still is not weak. Had I not heard the Holy Spirit and obeyed, I would not be able to do what it is He has called me to do.
Deanna, you are not alone!
[...] 18 02 2012 I wrote last week about how I am a type A and Jesus is teaching me to be more passive in my relationship with Him. A better sounding way to word that would be that He is asking me to dial back my control [...]
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