“I’m Not Unaffected By This” (Being Human pt. 9)

Recently I was in a conversation with an acquaintance and something happened that caught me off guard. A little background… This person isn’t a long time friend. Our relationship is a relatively new one, so when I talk with him, I am more of an unknown quantity than with y’all who have known me for years, either in person or via blog. And it was a situation where the content of the conversation wasn’t really up to me. It was one of those sort-of-forced-sharing times, where a topic that is deeper than normal small talk comes up.

This particular day, it was safe and it was appropriate, so I decided to go there, to bare something of my soul and share a somewhat complicated story of how God had recently worked in my life. But this time, contrary to my normal modus operandi, I didn’t have all my storytelling ducks in a row. I missed parts and messed up the sequence of events. I talked in sort of a quiet monotone, which is very different from my large group speaking voice. I even looked at some rough notes I had scribbled down and read part of it verbatim. I wasn’t trying to wow him with my story. I wasn’t trying to teach anything. I wasn’t test driving an idea to use in a later teaching time or blog post. I was just taking the opportunity before me to release a little pressure on my soul and communicate from the heart with someone sitting right in front of me, someone who had really asked how I was doing.

After I finished, this acquaintance had a stunned look on his face. Initially, I was very concerned that he was about to reject me or my story. His response landed powerfully on my heart. He said, “Deanna, I’m not unaffected by this.”

As I thought about his meaning, I realized that he had just told me something very important. He was letting me know that my story and my life had power. Its effects were rippling across the table to where he was. It wasn’t that I was trying to do this. It wasn’t that my methods were the most effective. It was that God had inhabited my story and energized it. And when I took a chance to share it, He used it in the life of another.

As a result, I’ve spent some time thinking about the role God plays in our stories. Sometimes we throw our words around as if they aren’t really powerful, as if they were ours to own and control. Yet sometimes God claims what is His – our stories and our words, our personalities and the style in which we talk, and He gives it more power than it has on its own. He applies it to another’s heart. He uses us to affect them.

This is the part of communication that is outside of our control. We can prepare for it. We can pray for it. But we can’t command it to happen. Sometimes God makes our stories more than just OUR stories. Sometimes He reclaims them as HIS stories.

Being human means we have stories. We hear stories. And they affect us. Or not, if we choose to close our hearts down and be unaffected.

Being human means we can choose to enter into this messy part of our humanity with others – by sharing our stories and by opening ourselves up to being affected by their stories. Or not. I am thinking these days about how to allow myself to be affected. And how to be available should God choose to use me to affect others.

I Updated My iTunes Account – Finally!

When I’m not collecting thoughts here on the blog or feeding my tribe at home, occasionally I travel a bit and communicate Bible truths to university student and women’s groups. One of my favorite things to do is to lead retreats – those times when I get to interact with God and His people, with the Bible and our hearts wide open.

I’ve finally updated my iTunes account with a few of my recent teachings/lectures/talks. If you are interested in giving them a listen, you can click here or on the link at the end of this post or on the iTunes link to the right. All talks were recorded on a digital voice recorder with no microphone, so fair warning on the audio quality.

Me in Berlin, teaching at the Connexxion Women's Retreat.

Five of the talks are from the Connexxion Women’s Retreat in Aug. 2011 in Berlin. (You can read about it here.) The topic was The Beauty of Clarity – seeing God’s hand in our lives clearly changes everything.  The main idea is that God works in our lives in seasons – longer periods of time centered around particular themes or activities. How can we learn to recognize what God is already doing in our lives and cooperate with Him, rather than fighting or ignoring Him? While each can stand alone, they were written and given in a sequence that built on each other. And I hope if you give it a listen, you can hear very clearly my deep affection for the German women there. This retreat was a labor of great love for me. The sessions are entitled:

1. Where Are You On God’s Calendar For Your Life?

2. What’s The Next Step

3. When Your Heart Shatters

4. If God Were To Name You?

5. How Do I Respond To God’s Call On My Life?

The other two talks come from a series I gave to a group of cross-cultural workers in the Germanic speaking countries, also in Aug. 2011. The invitation to speak to this group was one of the highest privileges and honors I’ve ever been given. My topic was The Main Thing In Missions Is Integrity. People don’t fail in ministry (or life) because of a lack of skill. They fail because of unresolved character flaws. Learning to let God address the condition of our heart and not just our outward behavior is the key to a life and ministry that goes the distance. The talk entitled The Main Thing In Missions Is Integrity is one of the most important I’ve ever done – in terms of how much it cost me to learn these lessons and how they have changed my life personally. If you listen to just one talk from me, I suggest you make it that one. They are entitled:

1. The Main Thing In Missions Is Integrity

2. Practices For Building Personal Integrity

If you are so inclined, there are quite a other few older talks in the iTunes account from other things I’ve done – primarily women’s ministry type things. Shout out to my beloved Crosspointe ladies:)

More talks from a recent university retreat I gave are coming soon.

LINK TO ITUNES- CLICK HERE!!!

Mrs. Ready – Friend, Mentor and Spiritual Mom

I was so new to teaching I didn’t even know what I didn’t know yet. It was right before the school year was to begin and I was preparing lesson plans for my 8th grade earth science and high school chemistry classes. (I still can’t believe someone actually hired me to teach chemistry. Wonders never cease.) And like most new teachers, I was alternately nervous and excited, both affirmed that I’d made the right career choice and horrified that it was too late to back out now.

And into this mess, (both my professional situation and me personally) Mrs. Ready walked in. She was the math teacher down the hall with decades more experience than I would ever have.  She introduced herself and began discretely asking me questions. “Do you know how you will organize your grade book? Have you given thought to your seating chart? What sort of classroom management plan do you have?”  She clearly saw that I needed help. Lots of it. And that day began a great friendship.

Every Monday morning, she gathered the women teachers together for prayer – and watching her I learned so much about building community, recognizing pain in another’s heart, the power of group prayer, ministering just by being. Mrs. Ready had a calm and gentle spirit about her that invited others in. (Unless you asked when you would ever use algebra in the real world…That question would send her through the roof… and it was actually quite fun to watch…)

Through the years I taught school we ate lunch together most every day and she became my go-to person for most of my many, many questions – both teaching and faith related. In fact, in the midst of one of the greatest emotional and spiritual crises of my life, she spoke some of the most significant words that another person has ever spoken into my heart and life. (Story here) I wouldn’t be the wife, mom, Bible teacher, writer, minister or woman I am today without her steady and faithful influence in my life.

After a bunch of years in discipleship-oriented ministries, I now recognize what she was subtly doing, most of it without my even realizing it. She was mentoring me. Spiritually mothering me would probably be a better title for it. And she did it without the title, without an officially declared relationship or agenda, without books, materials or a specific meeting schedule.

I’m sure I wasn’t the first young woman she did this for, and I’m also sure I wasn’t the last. I know this because love like that flows from the heart, not a job description. I suspect she couldn’t not do it if she tried.  And as the years pass, I’ve found myself mirroring her style, often without even realizing it.

Our lives have since diverged, she remaining faithfully in the classroom, me on to motherhood, the mission field and teaching of a different kind. But oh how I wish all young women had a Mrs. Ready in their lives! And oh, how I wish more older women would become Mrs. Readys for this generation! So today, as I look back at the time in my life when she and I walked side by side through the high school hallways, I am so thankful at how God allowed our lives to intersect, even if only for a few years. I am not the same because of it.

Unconventional Marks Of Spiritual Maturity – Being A Pleasure To Work With

I’ve met a number of people in ministry who, technically were great at their jobs. They could organize, inspire, teach, lead and get lots of things done in Jesus’ name. But personally, they were jerks. Really, unpleasant, fussy, verbally harsh, more concerned with the job than with those people for whom they were doing the job, etc. Ultimately, it didn’t matter how good they were at what they were doing, I didn’t want to work with them. Few others did either.

The really sad thing is that I’ve had whole seasons of my ministry life where I am pretty sure I was that jerk – where I was absolutely miserable to work with. I might have been having daily quiet times and been in the middle of God’s will for my life. I might have been getting done all I was being asked to do. Yet my attitude was… well…I’m ashamed now. I was a jerk. I didn’t control my tongue or even try to consider other’s needs or feelings. I was argumentative. A complainer. Unwilling to cooperate, to submit, to help out…you name it. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, I didn’t even want to work with myself.

Yet I’ve also worked with folks who were just a joy to be with. Who understood that part of being in Christ means being a part of the group, of making it work better, of displaying His character in the quality of our relationships with others. These are the folks who have figured out how to enjoy whatever God sends their way. Who seem to have learned the discipline of joy – and of working with others.

My conclusion is that I think an overlooked aspect of spiritual maturity is the quality of relationships a person has. Especially work relationships. Because we rarely get to choose who we work with I think those relationships can be a sort of barometer for what is going on in our hearts. Selfish or unselfish? Gentle or angry? Kind or cruel? It all shows up in the work environment.

Of course, a relationship involves 2 people, therefore I am not completely in control of how I get along with someone else. It does take two to tango. But my point is, as far as it is up to me, whether other folks want to work with me or want to avoid me says a lot about my spiritual maturity. Therefore, I think that is an unconventional mark of spiritual maturity.

The Miles and Years Don’t Separate

Titus 2:3-5 ³ Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. ⁴ Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, ⁵ to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

In 2008 when Jeff and I lived in Germany, I led a women’s Bible study for a few young wives. It was a crazy thing and the only reason I can say we did it is because God told us to. (How we started is a great story – but for another time:) It became one of those Bible studies where God shows up. I mean really shows up. We learned, cried, laughed and came out changed. I’m still profoundly marked by our time together, sitting on the magic couch every Tuesday evening, drinking mocha frappuccinos over God’s word. They let me practice teaching on them and much of what I teach and how I teach today was shaped in those conversations. And I find it just amazing at how God can knit hearts together across the miles and years. They are incredibly special to me. And these photos are incredibly meaningful to me.

I 

Our wives Bible study in 2011.

This past weekend in Berlin, at our women’s retreat, I just had to have this photo of us, several years later.

Here we are having breakfast - 2009 during my visit back to Germany to see them.

Our wives Bible study - 2008, a few days before I left Germany.

When I look back at how young they were…at how God has moved in our lives over the years…at how they trusted me…at how God used our time together to change me…at how powerful it was to see Titus 2:3-5 in action…and then at how God has allowed our paths to continue to cross throughout the years in earnest friendship…well, these photos are deeply significant to me.

The Connexxion Women’s Retreat/Freizeit

The past weekend I taught at the Connexxion Women’s Retreat in Berlin Germany. Yes, I said that right. It was an amazing time for me to connect with my beloved German women and open God’s Word with them. Two of my favorite things to do, all in one of my favorite places to be. It was almost a dream come true. Here’s part of the story…

Me teaching at the Connexxion Women's Retreat

I was standing in the back of the room when I was introduced and everyone turned around to see where I was. It was too good of a photo to miss.

The ladies all waving hello before we got started.

If there was a main theme for the weekend it was this:
1. God works in our lives through seasons or big themes. It is really important that we recognize them so that we can cooperate with His working in our lives. So we spent time looking at our lives and trying to hear His voice on this topic.
2. Once you know where God wants to work in your life (and honestly, most people know where this is) then you apply a spiritual discipline to it. This practice opens the door and invites God into your life. It lays kindling down around your soul so that when God chooses to move and set things on fire for you spiritually, He has something to ignite.
3. We also talked about how every person is sitting in one of three chairs. If God is sitting on His chair, we are either in the first chair – where we hear from Him directly…in the second chair where we hear from Him but indirectly through other people who are hearing from Him directly…or in the third chair, where we are so far removed from Him we really have no idea what He is saying. Which chair are we in? And how do we move to the first chair, since that is where all the action is? We talked about that this weekend.

Which chair are you sitting in?

Circles in action.

More circles in action.

We also balanced time together in the big group with time in small groups. Women often process by talking and saying things out loud. And we don’t say the things we need to out loud unless there is a relationship in place. So, to really grasp the things of God in our lives, we’ve got to sit both in rows but also intentionally in circles. We tried to create both this weekend.

A great group photo. Here the rows are in action.

And of course, all work and no play makes for a boring time… So we also planned a picnic outdoors in a nearby park for the afternoon. This was a great, informal time to just sit in the sun, enjoy fun conversation and eat some really, really great German food.

Time outdoors when the weather is good...perfect!

This was a wonderful day to just...hang out with my beloved German friends.

And I can’t let this blog end without giving credit where it is due. My dear friends and ministry co-laborers Vera and Severina did most of the planning and organizing (of course with help from many others). They made this weekend possible so that all I had to do was just show up. I am so grateful.

Vera and Severina - the brains and hands behind the women's retreat.

Books Of Impact – Missions

FOREIGN TO FAMILIAR by Sarah Lanier

This book is not particularly long, deep or intellectually dense, but here is the single best, most concise explanation of the general differences between cultures I’ve ever read.

Why are Europeans so ‘rude’, ‘direct’ and ‘unfriendly’? Why are southerners so ‘shallow’, superficial’ and ‘two-faced’? Of course those terms are relative depending on where you are from. What a southerner might term rude a European might call honest. What a European might call shallow a Southerner might call friendly. Jumping cultures is a really challenging and tricky endeavor. This book clearly and concisely explains these and many other cultural land mines that anyone who has traveled often has hit.

This book makes my list because  as a world traveler it helped me put words to things I’ve experienced and as a communicator of the Gospel, barriers that I’m dying to overcome.

If you plan on spending anytime at all in a second culture, you need to read this book. That sort of ringing endorsement springs from a book that has impacted me. That’s why it is on this list.

The Connexxion Women’s Retreat

So, there is something coming up that, if you keep up with me on facebook you know about, but I just haven’t gotten around to blogging about yet. I’m traveling to Germany in to teach at the Connexxion Women’s Retreat – Aug. 5-7th in Berlin. The link to the website is here https://connexxionwomen.wordpress.com/ if you are interested in some details about

Teaching at the Zoom Conference in Braunschweig

what we’ll be covering and some random thoughts in the run up to the weekend.

I can’t express how much it means to me to have the opportunity to return to my beloved Germany and spend time with many of the young women who are so special to me. It is also a tremendous opportunity for me to process out loud many of the thoughts rolling around in my head and the lessons God is planting in my heart during this season of life. Sometimes I feel what Jeremiah did when he wrote, “But if I say, “I will not mention him or speak any more in his name,” his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.” Jer. 20:9

If I don’t get some of these things out, I just might explode.

I am also grateful for the time to get away, out of my normal context and engage in a series of different, life-giving conversations – a chance to give God my full attention in a way that is more challenging than in the day to day routine around here. And sometimes different scenery just prompts new streams of thought and  new levels of creativity. Jeff and I periodically do this, where we encourage the other go somewhere and do something in order to invest in our soul, spiritual well-being and sanity. Jeff’s trip to Haiti this spring was his time. Mine is just on the horizon.

Plus, Berlin is famous for their currywurst and I’m planning to eat at least one during my stay if I can.

Hot fried yum!

Motherhood and Ministry

(I wrote this for my previous blog in October 2007. The context was that we were missionaries doing university ministry in Germany and I had just returned from a women’s conference in England. It’s still my philosophy of motherhood and ministry, so I wanted to re-post it here.)

One of my favorite things about doing what we do is the opportunity to learn from such wise and experienced women who’ve been around the proverbial cross-cultural/ministry block a time or two. Whenever I’m at events like the conference last week in England I always try to seek out a few older women and just ask questions. A topic that came up often this last week was how to be a mother and a minister at the same time, since both are so emotionally draining and time-consuming. I spent some time really thinking over my own philosophy of how I do both…and here are my thoughts on it. 

1. No One Is Superwoman - Before kids, I used to be able to do just aboutanything I wanted and I could seemingly bend my schedule around almost any obstacle. Well, no more. Now that I’m a mom, I realize I can’t do it all. I have to make hard decisions about where and how to spend my time and energy. In fact, I can’t even do everything I’m probably supposed to do. That means I have to prioritize and strategize. I have to plan my days with a lot more care and think about how to best use the resources I have. To do that I have to really seek God in what He wants me to do. One meeting that God wants me to keep is worth more than 5 that might be important, but weren’t specifically on God’s agenda for me. Advice I’ve received from older women who’ve been at this thing longer than I have seems to go like this – “What God wants from us is almost always less than we think it is. We are the ones who put so much pressure on our schedules in an attempt to prove ourselves.” Since most folks in our business are type A overachievers, this is probably right. So the bottom line is this – “Realize you can’t do it all and be ok with that. Just find out what God wants you to do and do that well.”

2. It’s Motherhood and Ministry, Not Ministry and Motherhood - I’ve often wondered why God called us to come to

Germany 

with two small kids (and then added a third!) knowing it would limit my availabilty for ministry. In light of that I’ve spent the last 2 years trying to summarize what exactly what my job is here in Germany and part of my explanation is this – I’m a wife and mother in front of a lot of people. Therefore, the first of all I am and have has to go to my husband and kids. What kind of example would I be, talking about how God loves people, but living like He wants me to sacrifice my family on the altar of ministry? God’s first priority for me is to take care of my family. Therefore I put my Jeff and kids on my calendar first. (This was a lesson learned the hard way.) In fact, sometimes I ‘choose’ to be with my kids, in front of the students, even when they are in our apartment. I need both them and my kids, to see how much I value and love Jeffrey, Georgia and Abby. The flip side is that sometimes it’s important for the kids to see how I also love the students and welcome them into our home. We do ministry as a family and I want our kids to realize they are a part of what we do, not just observers of what mom and dad do. Motherhood and ministry aren’t always two different things; sometimes they are the exact same thing. 

3. Build and Blur Boundaries - In our work, the boundaries between family and ministry can be a bit fuzzy since we have people in our home often. Therefore we sometimes build boundaries around our family time, intentionally and publicly, scheduling time just for us and the kids. But we also blur the boundaries of our family in that we invite students not only into our home but into our lives as well. Some of our friends here go by the name ‘Tante’, which means ‘Aunt’ to signify how special they are to us. Some of our students have shared a few of the most personal and special family moments we’ve had since being over here. During those times, they are genuinely just as much a part of the family as we are. We love that about what we do, because we love our students so much. The trick is figuring out when to build and when to blur. I’ve discovered that both Jeff and the kids are really good at telling me when they need more of me. Sometimes they look hungry,(that’s usually Jeff’s strategy) and sometimes they just demand more of my time through their behavior (that’s the kids’ primary strategy). As the keeper of the home, my job is to listen to what they are saying and to try to head off imbalances before they become problems.

4. Underpromise and Overdeliver – This is a great rule for moms to live by, because sometimes our tendency is to overcommit to things, then to get trapped by our commitments. To avoid this, I am very careful about what I commit to. In effect, I underpromise my time. This creates margin in my schedule, which allows me to then overdeliver. As I see holes and availability in my schedule during the week, I can make appointments, help with ministry things, and jump in where needed. Doing it this way means I’m free to adjust my commitments as the needs of my family dictate. This isn’t always easy since I have to be firm in saying no, when I so much want to say yes. Our faith however is played out in those tough decisions, when we choose what God wants for us, even if it isn’twhat we would choose for ourselves. I’ve also found that when I underpromise and overdeliver, I actually create space for God to show up in my life. By relinquishing control of my schedule over to Him, He often enables me to do more ministry with less time than I ever could have done on my own. He’s really good that way, in blessing our obedience to Him.

“They Won’t Want To Copy You”

I Cor. 11:1 Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

I was having a conversation recently with a good friend of mine who is a superstar in ministry: high-capacity, high energy, influential, effective and well-respected. She everything a dynamic leader should be and has accomplished much in her life. She told me about a conversation she had years ago with a colleague who was making an observation on her life from the outside. He told her, “People will admire you. They will respect you. But they won’t want to copy you.” She said it was something that had haunted her since.

Is is really possible to follow God passionately, to exhibit holiness and effectiveness and that the people you are leading look at your life and say, “No thanks”?  Even if your life is spent in ministry and service to God. Even if your life exhibits all the characteristics to which most people would say they aspire to. Paul teaches in the verse above from First Corinthians that our lives should be repeatable in someone else’s life. I think it is implied that the lives of believers should look attractive enough to others that they would want to follow our example. Of course different people have different callings on their lives and to whom God has entrusted much, much will be demanded. (Luke 12:48) Some people are called to be pacesetters and live lives on the upper edge of busyness. That is fine. But still, I don’t think God intended for their to be two classes of believers – those working themselves to death and spectators watching from the sidelines, cheering them on. I think His intent is probably somewhere in the middle, that everyone find their place of service and contribution. Perhaps the tightly wound type A’s need to ease off the gas a bit, if for no other reason, to model healthy behavior for others or even, to create opportunities for others to get in the game. Perhaps the laid back type B’s need to step up to the plate and get in the game so the type A’s don’t have to kill themselves to get the work done.

Busyness isn’t always effectiveness. Sometimes people who live lives of great intensity are doing so, not because God has asked them to, but because it feeds an insecurity of their own: they define themselves not by whose they are but by what they do. It might be an attempt to earn their salvation, pump their ego or bully others to do what they want. It might just be that it is the only way they know to do things. My industrial engineer husband always says, “Work smarter, not harder.” The principle is to constantly evaluate the best use of time and resources to get a job done, while not killing the worker.

I think balance in the life of a believer is crucial. In between the necessary times of hard work and nose to the grindstone, (Time before an exam, a project is due, an event takes place) are there seasons of rest, joy and pleasure? (Time to read, spend with friends, eat good meals and recharge your batteries?) Is there a balance between output and input? Between giving and receiving? Would people look at your life and want to copy it? If not, perhaps a time of introspection would be helpful.

A Teaching Season Is Over

Some of the sweet ladies of Crosspointe - after our last Bible study this past week. Many great friends are pictured here.

(Part 5 in the Seasons series)

Here are some of my beloved ladies of Crosspointe who patiently walked with me through our last Bible study together. We spent the last 9 weeks talking about a wide variety of things all orbiting around the themes of “How do we recognize where God is already working in our lives, lean in to that plan and learn to bless others as we move in His direction?” It’s a mouthful I know. Basically I’ve identified some core principles and practices that I’ve found myself repeating over the years in various mentoring relationships and Bible studies. These ladies let me begin working them out into a structured order and lesson form.
So to the dear women in this photo, thanks isn’t really a big enough word to describe how grateful I am that our paths overlapped as sisters in Christ and co-students of His word. You’ve blessed me more than you know, helping me grow closer the Lord, sharpening my craft and learning how to word things so that they clear and applicable.

Miss you already!

Echoes of Your Life

Recently I was paid a great, great honor. This fall I went to the Connexxion Zoom Conference in Germany. It’s where the past and present staff downloaded much of what they’ve learned over the last 10 years of successful work among post-modern European university students. My husband and I worked with them for three of the happiest years of our lives. Anja, a ministry leader in Braunschweig, got up to share a mentoring/communication principle that she uses in her personal ministry – and it was one she learned from me! (If you are familiar with my teaching at all, you’ve heard me teach the train – how we lay track for the Holy Spirit to come into our lives.)

Since most of what I teach also comes from those who taught me, and since it isn’t always easy to actually see how God uses our words in the lives of others, it was really encouraging for me to see an echo of my life bouncing around out there.

Potty Training and Discipleship

I’m in the throes of potty training around here. (Not for me, mind you…) Yeah, and it’s not going so well. It’s not that my little one isn’t capable of using the toilet.  She has in the past. It’s not that she doesn’t grasp the concept of “this goes here”. We’ve read all sorts of books and even conducted quite a few lab experiments, so I know she understands what we are talking about. It’s not that she doesn’t know when she has to go. As with most things in life, timing is everything, and as with most things in life, we always seem to be a few minutes too late.

I was trying to remember what we did with our two oldest kids and I joked, “Well, they turned 16, and it seems like they just figured it out.” That’s not exactly how it happened, but since every kid is different, every experience is different also. A “this is how we’ve always done it” approach will not work in this instance.

No, our problem is that our toddler doesn’t want to. She has made a conscious decision to do things her own way, in her own time. And as every mother will tell you, in this area, the child is in complete control. Rewards, routine, books, videos, threats, shame, bribing, expert teaching, peer pressure, modeling, detailed explanations with diagrams…try whatever you want, but until the child wants to in their own hearts, no one on earth is going to force this on them. They’ve got to own it. And my baby doesn’t just yet.

Over the years in ministry, I’ve discovered that the greatest thing about working with young people is also the worst thing at the same time. Sometimes, you see them make great decisions. They choose to follow God joyfully and wholeheartedly. They choose to study and apply their Bible. They choose to pursue intentional, life-giving relationships that point them towards spiritual depth. They choose to re-orient their finances, schedules and future plans around God-centered priorities. When a young person decides to own their faith, it’s one of the most exciting things you’ll ever see.

The flip side however is that sometimes young people choose not to. They make a conscious decision about the direction of their lives and it doesn’t matter what anyone on the outside does. You can’t force anyone to pursue spiritual growth. It’s not that the role of discipler/mentor is a completely passive one, but if they choose not to own it, there really isn’t much I can do.

This has several interesting/heartbreaking implications:

1. I’m going to lose some women. They just wander off. And it’s not personal.

2. The work of prayer is vitally important. It is the invitation to God to lead and move. And if He doesn’t, then not much is going to happen.

3. The true work and focus of discipleship is about the heart, not a to-do list. God is the only one who can change a heart, so what He does and how He works in the process is the most important part. A discipler/mentor’s role is to facilitate His work in their lives.

So how do I get a toddler to want to use the potty? How do I get a young person to want more of God in their lives?Surprisingly, the two questions aren’t as far apart as one would think.