Sometimes Mothers Get Crushed – A Very Non-Traditional, Somber and Almost Dark Mother’s Day Post

I was pulling up in our driveway one morning when I saw her. A large box turtle. Since we all enjoy the ‘wild kingdom’ vibe of our yard, I got out to take a photo of her to show the kids for later.  As I got close I noticed. The left corner of her shell had been crushed. Either Jeff or I had run over her on our way out in the darkness of morning. She was now dead.

To make matters worse, several almost-done, but still intact turtle eggs had spilled out.

It was an accident and accidents happen. Nature is cruel. Things die all the time and it is a part of life. I try to guard my heart with these truths whenever I’m faced with the reality of suffering and death – almost always unsuccessfully, as in this case. I was moved. And so sad. I took some time that morning to talk with God about what I’d seen and why I knew it was important for me to stop and pay attention.

I don’t know how turtles do motherhood. Because they are reptiles, I suspect they aren’t too attentive or affectionate. But this mother, because of events beyond her control, would not be there for her babies. She’d been crushed.

And from what I know of people, this happens to us all the time. Oh, the mother may not literally die, but because of an accident, because of events beyond her control, because of sin – either hers or the effects of someone else’s on her life – she’s had a weight land on her that was too heavy to bear. It left her wounded. Damaged. Unable to fully do what her babies needed her to do. And those babies had to learn to fend for themselves way too early, perpetuating the line of wounded mothers into the next generation.

Surely you’ve seen this. Probably experienced it. A mother… in a painful, loveless or soul-killing marriage. Broken in the separation from a destructive man. Supporting something very unhealthy, addictive or secret, and not knowing any alternative. Enduring a life burden that is too much for one person to hold. Carrying pain in verbal silence but screaming it within the quality of her relationships. Suffering from a crippling depression or physical struggle. Damaged by her mother, who was damaged also. Wearing soul wounds from abuse, words, disappointment, neglect, trauma and all the other things that were never meant to happen to us in Eden.

The children of mothers like this know. Because the weight of it has crushed them too.

We so rarely get the mother we want. We only get the mother we’ve got. Making peace with that is a major passage of life. It is a passage many never make.

Motherhood is etched on the hearts of most women, calling to us in a visceral way we cannot fully explain. Yet it is this dynamic, how our woundedness has the capacity to wound our children, that has the potential to make a day like today, one of sorrow and not joy. Of fear. Of regret – either for our mothers, or for our children.

My greatest motherhood fear is damaging my beloved children with my own damage. If there was ever a reason for me to cling for dear life to my Healer, to my Jesus, surely this is it.

The View Always Changes (Jesus pt. 23)

Mark 4:41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

I see the ocean with my eyes. Therefore my view of it is limited to where my body is. For me to understand

A beautiful view of the ocean. A beautiful view of Jesus.

more about the ocean I’ve got to view it from different places. From the beach, to the mid surf – where the waves rule. From under the surface just far enough to muffle sound, to  the deepest trenches where light is foreign. From the cliffs that overlook a shoreline, to the arctic, where the water crackles, to an underwater coral reef where color boggles the mind. Location expands perspective.

I see Jesus with my heart. Therefore my view of Him is limited to where my heart is. For me to understand more about Jesus I’ve got to let Him move me.  Change me. Grow me. Sometimes through some pretty extreme emotions and crazy places I would never choose on my own.  From the reckless joy of a truly happy moment – to a place of loneliness. At the fork of a life-changing crossroads when I don’t know which way to take, to a heartbreak where I can’t breath deeply anymore and don’t believe that the sun will rise tomorrow. From a place of confusion, inner turmoil and emotional anguish, even if it is self-inflicted, to the nauseating awareness of just how deeply I’ve been wounded by my sin. From a deeply intellectual “aha!” where my brain is tickled to endless delight with ideas of His greatness, to laughter so deep and full I think I just might die in the joy of it. To different places in the world, where darkness reigns, yet Jesus is already there calling people to Himself, in their language and through their culture. And sometimes from the place where He and I stop for a bit, look back on our journey together and rejoice at how far He’s led me away from who I was and into who He is creating me to be.

Because the sight lines of my heart are limited to where I am emotionally, relationally, spiritually…if I want to truly see and know Jesus, I must move. Sometimes to really difficult to reach places. Deep places. Places I would never choose to go on my own. Like through a storm in a boat that feels like it is about to sink. Or to a graveside – of someone or something I loved.  Jesus loves me too much to let me only view one facet of Him. Even if I really like that facet.

My view of Jesus is constantly changing, and sometimes I’ve just got to hold on for the ride. My willingness to follow Him to wherever He leads determines how much of Him I see and get to know. And wow, the more I see, the more beautiful He gets!

A Season of Gathering

(Part 8 of the Seasons series)

Pr. 10:5 He who gathers crops in summer is a wise son, but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son.

I’ve sensed that some seasons of my life are about harvest, and I only hurt myself by sleeping through it. There is something available, and it is something I need. I just have to be proactive about retrieving it. about going out and gathering it.

During one season I had access to a very wise woman who let me meet with her, ask questions and pick her brain. I tried to be intentional about scheduling time with her and coming with questions I needed answers to. I’ve had several seasons where I’ve had a keen interest in reading, usually on a particular topic, that coincided with larger amounts of free time. Those two things combined to provide me with prolonged seasons of information intake. I’ve had some periods of my life where I needed to rest, slowing my social calendar and taking lots of naps while my body recovered. I’ve been involved in Bible studies that I could only describe as “magic”, where God continually showed Himself to us. I would mentally bring a catcher’s mitt so that I wouldn’t miss out on receiving anything God was throwing my way.

All of these seasons for me were about gathering something I would need for later, about storing up information, rest or experiences. It makes me wonder how I’m doing now with:

Recognizing what is out there that I need. Am I looking for and aware of the possibilities before me?

Being proactive at getting out there and gathering what is available. Am I sleeping during the harvest?

A Season Of Hidden Things

Winter covers everything. But life is hidden underground.

(Part 7 of the Seasons series)

I’ve had seasons of my life where it felt like nothing was going on. I couldn’t discern any forward progress with my internal spiritual growth, external ministry or life experiences. It seemed like my life was sleeping.

Times like that are a spiritual winter.

But outward appearances during winter can be deceiving. While it looks like death is all around, there is actually quite a bit of life going on underground. The root systems of trees are repairing themselves, increasing their capacity for the times of growth that are coming soon. The vessels that move nutrients and water are both resting and getting stronger.

I’ve found that during my spiritual winters, even though it might be hidden, God is actually working deep things into my heart and soul. Developing patience, trust, healing past wounds, collecting stories of His faithfulness, of the benefits of following God even when it isn’t easy. During these seasons there is often preparation for the next.

How can I give God access to the hidden things in my heart and life during the dark seasons? How can I learn not to get discouraged when the externals of my life look so inactive? How can I cultivate a heart that grows deep during the winter, as well as big during the summer?

A Season Of Rain

(Part 6 of the Seasons series)

Heb. 6:7 Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.

We’ve been talking about the seasonality of our lives and how they follow certain

From the air, farm fields are fascinating. I wonder what my life looks like from God's perspective?

rhythms: just like the earth does as it moves through each year. Many parts of the world experience a rainy season, a time when the skies open up and pour down the stuff of life in such abundance that normal life has to adjust to it.

I love this verse from Hebrews 6:7 because it speaks to something very beautiful in the life of a believer. We are not blessed just so that we can be blessed. We are blessed by God to be a blessing to others. During some seasons of life He rains down things upon us that produce a crop in our lives. A Bible study that rocks us to the core. A mission trip where He changes us deeply. A vision of our lives that we are compelled to follow. An education. Friendships. Material blessings. Experiences. A marriage. Children. Building a family. Transitions. Starting a career. Learning a skill. Making memories. Gaining abilities. A conversation that opens our eyes to possibilities we never saw before.

When the rain comes, are we like land that drinks it in, absorbing every last drop? Are we intentional about grabbing and holding tightly all that God is sending our way? And do we in turn, take that rain and use it to produce something useful for others? Do we let God “farm” us, growing things in us specifically for the benefit of those around us?

A field is prepared, sown, cared for all with the harvest in mind. It is cultivated so that it might yield something of value, that many might be blessed by what it produces.  We are blessed by this rhythm too, finding something of what we were created for.

Are we aware of the rain? How do we drink in our blessings, letting God use them for more than just our personal satisfaction? How can we position our lives so that we are like fertile fields, producing something of great value for those we love?

Spring Is Coming.

Purple flowers with yellow stamens? God was just showing off when He made these.

(Part 4 in the Seasons series) With the previous blog about cold weather, I thought I would go ahead and post this also.

 

I found these sweet little purple things hiding in the shadow of the corner of my house. While the winter around here has been historic, surely this means that spring is coming.

A Season of Death

(Part 3 in the Season series)
John 12:25 The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Fall is a beautiful time when the leaves change colors from green to various shades of red, yellow, orange and brown. The color of each leaf is specific to each tree. Poplars always turn yellow, maples always turn red, etc. It is their true color.

Around here we head north to the mountains to marvel at the show. And God puts it on every year.

Dying leaves, going out in a blaze of glory.

 

Funny thing about fall though. It is all about dying. Healthy leaves are green because of chlorophyll, the pigment that allows them to photosynthesize and make food from sunlight. As hours of daylight decrease though, the outside green dies, revealing the natural and true color of the leaf underneath the surface. That color is always present, just hidden during times of prosperity and growth. It takes death to reveal its true beauty and identity.

Oh, the spiritual implications of this are so grand and heavy, books have been written on the topic.  God has placed His imprint upon me and I am His image-bearer. As I grow into His likeness, there are internal characteristics that should blossom and develop. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These things reside in my heart and bringing them to the surface usually involves removing the things that are hiding them.

Dying oak leaves, getting ready to fall. Just beautiful.

A life with Jesus means that there are seasons of my life that are about my death. In fact, He demands it. But it is a dying to the things that are killing me anyway. My selfishness, idolatry, hatred, lack of self-control, temper, short-sightedness, my lack of faith- the destructive habits and tendencies that wound and injure all around me.

 

During some seasons of my life, God is killing me. And it can be a beautiful thing.

Am I displaying the beauty of what God has planted within my soul? What in my life is hiding it?

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A Season of Joy

(Part 2 of the Season series)

Eccl. 2:24 A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God,
Eccl. 3:13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil–this is the gift of God.
Eccl. 5:18-20 18 Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat anddrink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him–for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work–this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.

It is ok to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Our lives follow a seasonality to them. The weather changes and animals and plants adapt depending on where they are on the calendar. I’ve found that God plots our lives on calendar of His making too.

Do I recognize where I am on God’s calendar for my life?

Summer is a time to enjoy – the warm weather, rest from the work of planting, vacation, dreaming about the things coming up later in the year. It is an optimistic time when smiles come easy, things move slower and joy is in the moment. Every summer we hang out in the back yard, stay up late, make ice cream and cook out with friends. It is wonderful!

Sometimes, there are seasons of our lives like this. It feels warm. Things are going well and good things are happening. But I’ve found that Christians (by Christians, I mostly mean me) often don’t know what to do with these times. We (read “I”) can be wound a bit tight, always thinking, “What does God want me to do now?” If I’m not busy (by busy, I actually mean over-scheduled and stressed), I think something must be wrong. I am work-focused. That is the example that has been set before me and it is ingrained in my very wiring. I’ve been trying to earn elements of my salvation since I became a Christ-follower.

Summer time in Georgia - warm, green and a time to look around at how beautiful things are.

The older I get though, the more I realize that sometimes, God just wants me to stop and enjoy what He’s blessed me with. It is ok to lift my nose from the grindstone and move slow, build fond memories with those I love and take long walks through pretty places just because I can and I want to.

Often there is something inside of us that says, “If I like this, it can’t be from God.” We tend to think that to please Him means pain for us. No doubt, we need to love Him more than our comfort and certain seasons of our lives are more difficult than others. But some seasons can just be about joy.  About sitting, being and not so much about doing. It can point us to Him just as much as our trials. This type A needs to learn this lesson.

A Season of Sowing

There just isn't much prettier than Georgia in the spring time.

(Pt. 1 of the Season series)

Pr. 20:4 A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.

Gal. 6:7b A man reaps what he sows

After reading this Sunday’s blog, my eye was drawn back to Pr. 20:4, which I put at the top of this page. The idea I wanted to discuss in that previous entry had to do with slothfulness – when we let our flesh or our laziness dictate how we live our lives. Upon this reading however, I was drawn to the idea of seasons.

I’m pretty sure the author wasn’t only addressing farming technique with this verse. He was saying something about how our lives work. Just like the earth moves through different seasons, with very different things happening at different times of the year, so my life works also. Spring is about planting for what we want to harvest in the fall. And there are times and seasons in my life that are very spring-like, where I need to be about sowing things that I want to reap in the future. What do I want to see and experience in the coming years?

I want my marriage to grow in trust, intimacy and joy as Jeff and I age together. What do I need to do sow into our relationship now in order to see that outcome in the future? (I need to be at home, spending time with him face to face, actually talking about the things that build trust, intimacy and joy.)

I want my children to love Jesus and have lives that bear the fruit of walking well with Him. What can I sow into their lives right now in order to set them up for success later? (Deut. 6:5-8 Live it out myself in front of them, talk about scripture and the things of God throughout all of our life experiences. Teach them what this looks like in their own lives. )

Aaahh...azaleas. A sure sign that it is springtime around here. Time to plant for the fall.

I want to do and accomplish great things for the kingdom of God, being a part of working with Him to push back the darkness in people’s lives and across the globe. What are some things I need to sow into my own life to prepare and to become more useable so that when God looks at me, He has lots of options in how He chooses to use me? (Read and ingest scripture in such a way that it becomes a part of my very being. Gain skills, experiences, strategic relationships and godly character, becoming an effective tool in His hands.)

Every person goes through seasons where there is intentional sowing and preparation for what is coming. Sometimes, it is spring. What is the future I want to see happen in my life? What is one thing that needs to happen today in order to make that future possible?

Lunar Eclipse, Meet the Winter Solstice

Psalm 19:1-3 The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.

I am writing this at 2 in the morning on December 21st of 2010. It is the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year. And today, between 1:30 and 5 in the morning, there  is also a full lunar eclipse.

The moon as viewed on the Eastern seaboard at 1:45 am, 12/21/10.

Oh, I’m channeling my full inner science geek tonight! The shadow of my home planet is moving across the face of the nearest astronomical body, our moon, so that I can see it. How often does one get to see their planet’s shadow?

The moon at 2:15 am. You can see the earth's shadow moving across its face.

As with many things of God:
1) I’ve got to look up to see it.
2) There are a lot of people sleeping right through it.

Autumn Colors In My Neighborhood

It has been an amazing fall here in the Atlanta suburbs. Vibrant and rich oranges, reds and yellows. The season has been a dramatic visual experience for me.