Reflections On Truths Learned This Past Year

The year 2011 broke my life in two, with a distinct before and after. Frankly, I’m just glad to still be here, standing and breathing. There have been days I wasn’t so sure that would happen. And some days the haze of uncertainty and fear lingers. So I wanted to take a moment and reflect, to summarize something of what I’ve learned through it all.

What's that? God calling? I'll take it in here...and I'll probably be a while...

Jesus has been incredibly faithful to lead me to all sorts of places with Him I never would have chosen to go on my own. And ‘grateful’ isn’t even the right word to use to describe how I feel about it. But since it is all I have at this point, it is what I’ll use.

So, in an effort to capture something of my gratitude, here are some of the realizations and truths that have become a part of my soul in this last year:

1. My heart is a bigger mess than I ever thought. As Jesus and I have been walking around its corridors and exploring its depths, what I am finding has been both horrifying and a relief. The depth of my messiness, of my sin and its consequences has been overwhelming at times. But as the chips have fallen, I realize I really do love Him. There have been days when I’ve completely lost my balance, yet I’ve consistently fallen in His direction – and the ground where He stands is solid. So I am a mess. But at least I know now I am more fully His mess. And another thing I’m learning first hand is that redeeming messes is one of His specialties.

2. As big a mess as my heart is, that is what He really wants. That I’ve known this truth, even taught it over the years and still missed it in my own life…I am ashamed. Jesus doesn’t want my works. He doesn’t want my words. (Although of course, at some point and level He expects my works and words.) He first and foremost wants my heart. He wants my love and affection. He wants my life pointed in His direction because that is the direction I want to go, not because I’m afraid of going in the other direction. He wants to renew, restore and rebuild me from the inside out, not teach me to conform to a cultural standard that looks pretty on the outside but is rotten on the inside. Learning to move my spirituality more fully to the realm of the heart has been a huge shift for me this year. A frustrating one because no one sees it but Him and me…and a painful one because it is so much work…but a rewarding one because of how it makes the ground beneath my feet more solid.

3. If all I ever am is His, it is enough. Without realizing it and while simultaneously knowing in my head the opposite is true, I’ve established a pattern of relating to Him through what I do. As innocently as it started and as good as my motives have been at times, I’ve been trying to prove myself to Him, to earn His favor and to subtly keep Him distant by setting up our relationship within a business context. I do this, therefore He does that.  It is taking a season of not working for Him to re-set this truth deep in my heart – that He loves me just for me. Not for what I do or accomplish. My greatest goal and deepest desire is to be His – more fully, more intimately, more deeply. And if that is all I ever accomplish in my life, it is not only ok, it is wonderful.

4. He sets the agenda, I don’t. Yes, I knew this before this year, but I think I can look back and see that functionally, I came to Him wanting to pick and choose how I serve and relate to Him. And He has absolutely refused to play along. He has reasserted His authority in my life to set the agenda of what we talk about, how we relate, the speed with which we move and everything else about my relationship with Him. He has called me to repentance and to a season of learning just to walk alongside Him wherever He goes. To listen. To ask questions. To follow. It has been so refreshing in its restfulness. I make a terrible god. Yet He does it so effortlessly.

Funny how, at one of the high points of my year, a trip to Europe to teach, minister, network and even hike for an afternoon in the Alps, there was a storm brewing in the background.

5. For someone whose life’s work revolves around people, I have terrible people skills. In fact, recently I floated the idea in my heart that I am done with friendship. (Material for a later post) I know that really isn’t an option…and I’m sure I don’t really mean it…and I know how I feel in a few months will be different from how I feel about it now…and I really do have the friends I’ll have for the rest of my life and they are wonderful…and  I know part of what this season is about is me learning to truly make Jesus my best friend (and not the cheesy Sunday School version of this)…but that I’ve so struggled over the years with what should be the most basic of human functions has worried me a bit. And I find it pathetic that I’m as old as I am and still trying to figure how to relate to others well.

6. My internal monologue needs a lot of work. On the positive side, I am learning to embrace my honest, brutally honest, excruciatingly honest internal monologue – and out of it two great things are emerging. First, I am learning quite a bit about myself; where I am wounded, where I am gifted and something of where I will go in the future. And second Jesus and I have had so many amazing faith-confirming and encouraging conversations; where He has actually spoken into my greatest doubts, struggles and pain, where I’ve gotten satisfying answers to those things that have kept me from truly engaging Him with depth. I guess you could say my internal monologue, unhealthy as it is, has actually been a very healthy thing for my spirit this year. It has driven and led me to more of Jesus and greater intimacy with Him. But the thoughts that still just randomly pop into my head…lets just say some days I am concerned about where this stuff comes from. And I hate that so often it is the soundtrack that plays behind much of my life.

7. Jesus is…well, He is more than I ever thought. I thought quite a bit of Him before this year began and He and I certainly weren’t strangers then. Yet…I am continually surprised at the paths He chooses to lead me down. Not linear. Not expected. Glacial and circuitous. Jesus has caused me greater pain than I thought I could endure, yet brought healing I never knew I needed. He has forced me to learn to engage Him on His terms, to repent of deeply ingrained things, to redefine so much of my life…and still…it has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. He has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And I hope and pray I never get over this…this year that almost killed me. Jesus still has me moving in His direction…and that means there just might be hope for me in 2012 yet.

Random Life Lessons With Deanna pt. 3 – Rest Is Good

While it may surprise some of my readers to know this, I am a runner. Not fast mind you, but steady. My goals as a runner have always been to run a set amount of time and to not stop. Never stop.

Yeah, um...so that IS a lot of sweat and I don't have pink shoes like the gal behind me... but I did finish!!!

Because weak people need a break. (Sarcasm alert)

Yeah, I can hear you asking me if I’ve spoken to a therapist about this Freudian slip… If you’ve read this blog at all, you know that I’ve got issues and that is one of mine… It is funny isn’t it, how God has a way of addressing our deepest needs through the most random of life circumstances and lessons. If we are looking for it that is.

So, right now I am training for a race. I’m a little hesitant to say just how long this race is and where it is for fear that something will happen during my training process and I won’t make my goal. More Freudian-ish undertones here…I don’t want to be embarrassed if I don’t make it, so I’ll just tell y’all about it afterwards. Hang with me here as I do actually have a point…

This race is a longer one. Longer than I’ve ever run before, so I’m having to train with longer run times and distances. Now, remember, one of my goals has always been to not stop. And I’ve been asking myself why that is. Where does the drive to push myself unnecessarily come from? I mean, there is no one forcing me to do this. This is a choice I am making, for my physical health, for my emotional well-being (the discipline of setting and finishing a goal) and because I just feel like it is something I want to accomplish.

But in thinking about how I will progress, maybe a better goal is to finish. And maybe I should start making decisions about how to run in light of the end, not just the means. How I run isn’t nearly as important as where I am running to.  I just want to get to the end successfully.

Through a series of training incidents, I’ve had to loosen up on my “no stopping” policy. I’ve had to stop for a breather during some of my longer runs – to let a car pass by, to tie my shoe, to cue up the next podcast, etc. Not long breaks, in fact I prefer to keep them to less than 30 seconds so I don’t lose momentum or drive to finish. But darned if those rest periods haven’t led to a break through in running longer distances. Just the fact that I’m stopping for a bit, to recover and restart…it seems to be a key for me to finishing the race I’ve set out for myself.

And there is no shame in resting along the way. The shame would be in not finishing because I didn’t run a smart race.

The random life lesson I’m learning through this isn’t limited to running of course. Some seasons of life are about taking a breather. About giving the muscles that have been doing all the heavy lifting for years a chance to recover. About looking forward to the rest of the race and making sure I’ve got the endurance to get to the finish line.

So I’m thinking about pacing and resting and finishing – and how to incorporate practices into my life to make sure I go the distance. Rest is good.

Random Life Lessons With Deanna pt. 1 – Fasting Is Good

Life goes in seasons. We all know this. It circles around different activities, relationships, projects, etc. When we are in tune with and lean into these seasons, our lives generally experience less turbulence – like when we walk with the wind instead of against it.

I just finished a season where I had lots of visitors staying in our house. It has been great! These are dear friends I don’t get to see very often, so pretty much everything else in our lives stopped while we captured all the memories and experiences of this time. And since I’m from the south, that has meant food. Lots of it – and special varieties of it that you only make when company comes over. You know what I am talking about. This season of life for me has meant celebration and enjoyment of the things God has made – friendship, flavors, the feeling of a pleasantly full stomach and then a cup of good coffee on top of that. These moments point us to the Creator of these moments, so I’m pretty sure they please God when we enjoy them.

So now that everyone has gone home and we shift back into our routines around here, I need to enter a season where I make sure that this pattern of indulgence doesn’t become the norm. It would be easy to think that every meal needs to be a big one, every activity punctuated by food, by moving slow and the pursuit of enjoyment. Centering one’s life around satisfying desires and appetites is a dangerous place to live. Therefore, that means that I need a season of fasting and a focus on discipline.

One of my random life lessons over the last year or so is that fasting really isn’t about food. It is about discipline, about mastering the desires, whatever they are, that would master you. It is about exercising self-control over your body. And I’ve found that those lessons carry over into many other areas of my life. Since appetites grow when I feed them and have a way of demanding control over me the larger they get, I need to make sure they know who’s boss. That means that now I need a season of fasting.

And by fasting, I don’t just mean just abstaining from food (although I do most certainly mean that!). I’m talking about abstaining from whatever it is that, while I can enjoy it in another season, I must control it in this one. I must consciously make certain decisions regarding what I choose to intake in a way that I can be looser with at other times. So deliberately choosing to miss a few meals, or consciously saying no to Chick Fila or that chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream at 11pm (although it was awfully tasty while company was here:), or drinking water instead of a soda, or going running instead of watching tv, or going outside instead of sitting on the couch – sometimes these are really great spiritual exercises that bring a vitality to my soul.

I’ve found that fasting can act like a reset button on my desires, returning me to the ‘mastery position’ instead of the ‘being mastered’ position that could result from a season of enjoyment. Life is about rhythm and working with the seasons God has given us. While certainly not fun, fasting, in its time, place and context, is very good.

Seasons Of Music

(Part 9 of the Seasons series)

During different seasons of my life, certain songs lodged in my heart, giving expression to gut-level emotions for me. I guess when words fail, music steps in. Here are some of the songs that are more than songs for me but representative of whole periods of my life.

Let Everything That Has Breath by Matt Redman

This song was a positive expression of my heart during a very negative  and painful time. It led me to refocus my heart in an upward direction when all that was in me was going down.

Breathe – Vinyard

This song has been covered so many times it has lost its impact. This is the original, starkly arranged and raw in its emotion. If you listen to it giving it your full attention, you can feel how powerful it is as a heart cry. This song came to me at a time when I had to decide if I really wanted to follow God, and if I really wanted all that would come with that. As I used the words to worship, something in my heart shifted as I realized I was indeed ‘desperate’ for Him.

Forever Reign by Hillsong - They’ve disabled embedding so you’ll have to click here to hear it, but this is the song right now that moves me. “You are more, you are more than my words will ever say…” Sometimes I just feel like that.

The Desert Song – Hillsong United

This song is a great example of what happens when a compelling melody line combines perfectly with the lyrics. Also, knowing the background of one of the song leaders makes this particular video a powerful expression of worship. Click here to hear the story. I just love this song!

A Season of Gathering

(Part 8 of the Seasons series)

Pr. 10:5 He who gathers crops in summer is a wise son, but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son.

I’ve sensed that some seasons of my life are about harvest, and I only hurt myself by sleeping through it. There is something available, and it is something I need. I just have to be proactive about retrieving it. about going out and gathering it.

During one season I had access to a very wise woman who let me meet with her, ask questions and pick her brain. I tried to be intentional about scheduling time with her and coming with questions I needed answers to. I’ve had several seasons where I’ve had a keen interest in reading, usually on a particular topic, that coincided with larger amounts of free time. Those two things combined to provide me with prolonged seasons of information intake. I’ve had some periods of my life where I needed to rest, slowing my social calendar and taking lots of naps while my body recovered. I’ve been involved in Bible studies that I could only describe as “magic”, where God continually showed Himself to us. I would mentally bring a catcher’s mitt so that I wouldn’t miss out on receiving anything God was throwing my way.

All of these seasons for me were about gathering something I would need for later, about storing up information, rest or experiences. It makes me wonder how I’m doing now with:

Recognizing what is out there that I need. Am I looking for and aware of the possibilities before me?

Being proactive at getting out there and gathering what is available. Am I sleeping during the harvest?

A Season Of Hidden Things

Winter covers everything. But life is hidden underground.

(Part 7 of the Seasons series)

I’ve had seasons of my life where it felt like nothing was going on. I couldn’t discern any forward progress with my internal spiritual growth, external ministry or life experiences. It seemed like my life was sleeping.

Times like that are a spiritual winter.

But outward appearances during winter can be deceiving. While it looks like death is all around, there is actually quite a bit of life going on underground. The root systems of trees are repairing themselves, increasing their capacity for the times of growth that are coming soon. The vessels that move nutrients and water are both resting and getting stronger.

I’ve found that during my spiritual winters, even though it might be hidden, God is actually working deep things into my heart and soul. Developing patience, trust, healing past wounds, collecting stories of His faithfulness, of the benefits of following God even when it isn’t easy. During these seasons there is often preparation for the next.

How can I give God access to the hidden things in my heart and life during the dark seasons? How can I learn not to get discouraged when the externals of my life look so inactive? How can I cultivate a heart that grows deep during the winter, as well as big during the summer?

A Season Of Rain

(Part 6 of the Seasons series)

Heb. 6:7 Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.

We’ve been talking about the seasonality of our lives and how they follow certain

From the air, farm fields are fascinating. I wonder what my life looks like from God's perspective?

rhythms: just like the earth does as it moves through each year. Many parts of the world experience a rainy season, a time when the skies open up and pour down the stuff of life in such abundance that normal life has to adjust to it.

I love this verse from Hebrews 6:7 because it speaks to something very beautiful in the life of a believer. We are not blessed just so that we can be blessed. We are blessed by God to be a blessing to others. During some seasons of life He rains down things upon us that produce a crop in our lives. A Bible study that rocks us to the core. A mission trip where He changes us deeply. A vision of our lives that we are compelled to follow. An education. Friendships. Material blessings. Experiences. A marriage. Children. Building a family. Transitions. Starting a career. Learning a skill. Making memories. Gaining abilities. A conversation that opens our eyes to possibilities we never saw before.

When the rain comes, are we like land that drinks it in, absorbing every last drop? Are we intentional about grabbing and holding tightly all that God is sending our way? And do we in turn, take that rain and use it to produce something useful for others? Do we let God “farm” us, growing things in us specifically for the benefit of those around us?

A field is prepared, sown, cared for all with the harvest in mind. It is cultivated so that it might yield something of value, that many might be blessed by what it produces.  We are blessed by this rhythm too, finding something of what we were created for.

Are we aware of the rain? How do we drink in our blessings, letting God use them for more than just our personal satisfaction? How can we position our lives so that we are like fertile fields, producing something of great value for those we love?

Spring Is Coming.

Purple flowers with yellow stamens? God was just showing off when He made these.

(Part 4 in the Seasons series) With the previous blog about cold weather, I thought I would go ahead and post this also.

 

I found these sweet little purple things hiding in the shadow of the corner of my house. While the winter around here has been historic, surely this means that spring is coming.

A Season of Death

(Part 3 in the Season series)
John 12:25 The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Fall is a beautiful time when the leaves change colors from green to various shades of red, yellow, orange and brown. The color of each leaf is specific to each tree. Poplars always turn yellow, maples always turn red, etc. It is their true color.

Around here we head north to the mountains to marvel at the show. And God puts it on every year.

Dying leaves, going out in a blaze of glory.

 

Funny thing about fall though. It is all about dying. Healthy leaves are green because of chlorophyll, the pigment that allows them to photosynthesize and make food from sunlight. As hours of daylight decrease though, the outside green dies, revealing the natural and true color of the leaf underneath the surface. That color is always present, just hidden during times of prosperity and growth. It takes death to reveal its true beauty and identity.

Oh, the spiritual implications of this are so grand and heavy, books have been written on the topic.  God has placed His imprint upon me and I am His image-bearer. As I grow into His likeness, there are internal characteristics that should blossom and develop. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These things reside in my heart and bringing them to the surface usually involves removing the things that are hiding them.

Dying oak leaves, getting ready to fall. Just beautiful.

A life with Jesus means that there are seasons of my life that are about my death. In fact, He demands it. But it is a dying to the things that are killing me anyway. My selfishness, idolatry, hatred, lack of self-control, temper, short-sightedness, my lack of faith- the destructive habits and tendencies that wound and injure all around me.

 

During some seasons of my life, God is killing me. And it can be a beautiful thing.

Am I displaying the beauty of what God has planted within my soul? What in my life is hiding it?

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A Season of Joy

(Part 2 of the Season series)

Eccl. 2:24 A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God,
Eccl. 3:13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil–this is the gift of God.
Eccl. 5:18-20 18 Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat anddrink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him–for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work–this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.

It is ok to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Our lives follow a seasonality to them. The weather changes and animals and plants adapt depending on where they are on the calendar. I’ve found that God plots our lives on calendar of His making too.

Do I recognize where I am on God’s calendar for my life?

Summer is a time to enjoy – the warm weather, rest from the work of planting, vacation, dreaming about the things coming up later in the year. It is an optimistic time when smiles come easy, things move slower and joy is in the moment. Every summer we hang out in the back yard, stay up late, make ice cream and cook out with friends. It is wonderful!

Sometimes, there are seasons of our lives like this. It feels warm. Things are going well and good things are happening. But I’ve found that Christians (by Christians, I mostly mean me) often don’t know what to do with these times. We (read “I”) can be wound a bit tight, always thinking, “What does God want me to do now?” If I’m not busy (by busy, I actually mean over-scheduled and stressed), I think something must be wrong. I am work-focused. That is the example that has been set before me and it is ingrained in my very wiring. I’ve been trying to earn elements of my salvation since I became a Christ-follower.

Summer time in Georgia - warm, green and a time to look around at how beautiful things are.

The older I get though, the more I realize that sometimes, God just wants me to stop and enjoy what He’s blessed me with. It is ok to lift my nose from the grindstone and move slow, build fond memories with those I love and take long walks through pretty places just because I can and I want to.

Often there is something inside of us that says, “If I like this, it can’t be from God.” We tend to think that to please Him means pain for us. No doubt, we need to love Him more than our comfort and certain seasons of our lives are more difficult than others. But some seasons can just be about joy.  About sitting, being and not so much about doing. It can point us to Him just as much as our trials. This type A needs to learn this lesson.

A Season of Sowing

There just isn't much prettier than Georgia in the spring time.

(Pt. 1 of the Season series)

Pr. 20:4 A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.

Gal. 6:7b A man reaps what he sows

After reading this Sunday’s blog, my eye was drawn back to Pr. 20:4, which I put at the top of this page. The idea I wanted to discuss in that previous entry had to do with slothfulness – when we let our flesh or our laziness dictate how we live our lives. Upon this reading however, I was drawn to the idea of seasons.

I’m pretty sure the author wasn’t only addressing farming technique with this verse. He was saying something about how our lives work. Just like the earth moves through different seasons, with very different things happening at different times of the year, so my life works also. Spring is about planting for what we want to harvest in the fall. And there are times and seasons in my life that are very spring-like, where I need to be about sowing things that I want to reap in the future. What do I want to see and experience in the coming years?

I want my marriage to grow in trust, intimacy and joy as Jeff and I age together. What do I need to do sow into our relationship now in order to see that outcome in the future? (I need to be at home, spending time with him face to face, actually talking about the things that build trust, intimacy and joy.)

I want my children to love Jesus and have lives that bear the fruit of walking well with Him. What can I sow into their lives right now in order to set them up for success later? (Deut. 6:5-8 Live it out myself in front of them, talk about scripture and the things of God throughout all of our life experiences. Teach them what this looks like in their own lives. )

Aaahh...azaleas. A sure sign that it is springtime around here. Time to plant for the fall.

I want to do and accomplish great things for the kingdom of God, being a part of working with Him to push back the darkness in people’s lives and across the globe. What are some things I need to sow into my own life to prepare and to become more useable so that when God looks at me, He has lots of options in how He chooses to use me? (Read and ingest scripture in such a way that it becomes a part of my very being. Gain skills, experiences, strategic relationships and godly character, becoming an effective tool in His hands.)

Every person goes through seasons where there is intentional sowing and preparation for what is coming. Sometimes, it is spring. What is the future I want to see happen in my life? What is one thing that needs to happen today in order to make that future possible?