My purpose today is not to write a book review and I am not saying you should rush out and read this particular one. It only covers a specific perspective on what is an incredibly complex and multi-layered thing. It may speak to you at this point in your relationship or it may not. But

Here is Dr. Oehring, my East German dentist. She let me take this photo right before she started drilling. Can I just say that this is one of those moments you want to make sure you've been clearly understood!

the experience of reading a book together did something very powerful for Jeff and I that has strongly benefitted our marriage over the years – and this is what I want to write about here. Early on, it gave us a common vocabulary with which to talk about and begin building our marriage.

Let me illustrate how important vocabulary can be. While living in Germany I developed a cavity that needed immediate attention, which meant a trip to my East German dentist. (The story is one of my favorites from my time overseas) The problem for me was that they don’t cover dental vocabulary in most language courses. So rather quickly, I had to learn how to say things like, “drill, cavity, root canal, ‘it hurts here’ and ‘Novocaine, please’”. Trust me, not having the right vocabulary at the dentist can be a very, very painful experience. Not having the right relational vocabulary for your marriage can be too. 

One thing couples must do in order to not just survive but thrive in their marriage is to be able to talk. To be able to talk about and correctly name their problems. To be able to talk about their problems in such a way that both are able to find solutions. To be able to find solutions to their problems so that both come away from the conflict feeling more invested in and not wounded by their relationship. To be able to talk with one another about truly deep, important and potentially very intimate things and know the other person has heard and understood exactly what they said and meant.

Because marriage inevitably brings relational conflict. Sooner or later, people who live together are going to have to solve problems together. And the ability of a couple to safely and articulately work through whatever their issues are is a powerful predictor of marriage success. This means couples have got to learn to talk to each other. And it can be so much harder than you would think. Ask any couple married more than a few years and I’m sure they will confirm this.

One of the things I’ve seen over the years is how woefully ill-equipped many of us are with a good, mature-relationship vocabulary. Couples that can’t state clearly what they want and need from the other are heading for trouble sooner or later.

After 17 years of being together, Jeff and I are still figuring this out. In fact, we have a whole new set of things to talk about in this season of marriage that we didn’t early on, thus constantly stretching our relational vocabulary and communication skills. Improving a relationship is a never-ending process for those who want to do it well. But we do know what phrases and words ring in each other’s hearts, that communicate something clearly. We’ve got a common vocabulary. A common set of relational concepts. And we are able to recognize when we’ve been heard. Our ability to do this started with us reading a book together and talking about it.

So a recommendation to couples today would be to read good, well-written relationship books together. Ask your successfully married friends for recommendations. Don’t just read the latest book, but read a few that have passed the test of time. And use those books to introduce new ideas into your conversations; to increase relational and emotional vocabulary so that you have more things to talk about and more ways to do it.

Marriage book recommendations are now being accepted in the comments section!

“Life is a journey of the heart that requires the mind – not the other way around.” John Eldredge.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart…” Jesus

I am learning a tremendous spiritual truth: that the condition of my heart is really, really important. And knowing, being fully aware of the condition of my heart is really, really important. And for me to really, really know what is going on in there, I’ve got to speak the language of the heart.

I’ve spent a lot of energy over the years prioritizing my head. Logic. Analysis. Intellect. This is the language I speak. Facts. Experience. Knowledge. It is not that I haven’t been aware of or not taken care of my heart, it is just that like a right-handed man always reaches for his pen with his right hand, my general pattern has been to engage the world with my head first. That isn’t always bad, but it can be unbalanced.

I find it interesting that Jesus tells us we should love Him with our hearts before He tells us to love Him with our minds. When He tells us to “…above all else…” something, it is to guard our hearts, not our intellect. (Pr. 4:23) And typically we reverse the order because it is easier for us. Because we can fit Him in our box more easily when we think we understand Him. (FYI – Jesus refuses to fit into our boxes, no matter how tight and well-developed our intellectual/theological framework is.)

In response, I am wrestling with how to go deeper with God than just what I think about Him and His ways, but to explore how I feel about Him and His ways. And to my slight embarrassment, I’m discovering that I need a whole new set of words to do it.

How uncomfortable. And awkward. A professional communicator at a loss for words. What does this say about me? Sigh.

Some people make healthy emotion, the matters of the heart, look so easy. They recognize it is the stuff of relationship; they instinctively seem to know when and how to hug and touch another person. They have the right words at the right time. They are able to speak really well with just their eyes and body language. They ask questions and then really listen to the answers, because they realize a conversation is about people communicating, not just idea expression. They aren’t afraid of DTR’s (define-the-relationship conversations). They state how they feel and don’t hide or alter it for fear of another’s preference.  They use words most of us run from because they and their hearts are friends: not enemies, not frenemies, not awkward cubicle-mates. And they usually manage to do it without compromising their brains. Odd that I so rarely meet brain-centered people who have healthy relationships with their hearts…

They are able to say things like: I love you. I need you. I need this from you. I want this… I feel (insert any of a host of emotional words here…sad, discouraged, joyful, delighted, disturbed, anxious, jealous, unsettled, content, ambivalent, forsaken, baffled, horrified, satisfied, exhausted, humiliated, etc) They are comfortable with deep heart honesty and are able to express it to another. And they are able and willing to go beyond the typical, “I’m doing fine” when asked how they are. Especially when God is doing the asking.

So whole new words are entering my regular vocabulary now. Words to describe emotion. Words that facilitate relationship. Words that address the heart and not just the head. While not a natural at it, I’m finding a certain joy in it…sort of like a painter who all of a sudden discovers the color blue and all the possibilities its use holds for him.

And I’m wondering what might happen if more of us got comfortable with a wider emotional vocabulary and the meaning behind it?

Discipline is great! But discipline that displaces the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives and decreases our dependence upon Jesus can be dangerous. Sometimes we (read “I” here) work really hard at our faith because it is easier than relating to our Savior. We give God our energies when what He is asking for is our hearts. Sigh. I have been so guilty of this.

And here is where my sin level gets even more, well, sinful. God made me a type A. He’s put certain things in my heart that I am called to do and really want to do. Things that  I am wired for and gifted to accomplish. Things that bring me into His presence and give shape to my relationship with Him. And sometimes I have taken those very God-given things and used them to keep my distance from Him.

And then, in an even more complicated twist of sinfulness in my heart, I’ve told God, “How can you be mad at me for just doing what You created me to do?”

Echoes of Adam saying, “Hey God, this eating-the-fruit thing is really Your fault since You put that crazy woman here with me.”

No lightning yet, but whew…you might want to take a step back from your computer screen just in case…

Jesus has been graciously teaching me that yes, He created me a certain way, with beautifully unique talents and He has given me heart desires and ambitions that are absolutely from Him. But I cannot blame Him when I sinfully misuse them and let them led me away from rather than towards Him. I must take full responsibility for my stewardship of what He has entrusted to me – and that includes my personality.

Jesus didn’t make me a type A jerk. He gave me type A tendencies. I am the one who’s carried it all the way to jerk status. It is an interesting challenge to learn to gently lean into who God has made me to be and not carry it beyond what He intended.

(Quotes like this might explain why my experiences as a counselor/mentor have been so, um , quotable…)

I don’t know where stuff like this comes from,  but as soon as I said it to my younger, “not-married-as-long” friend, I recognized it as true. Something was lacking in how they related to each other. Physically. And if I could see it from the outside, I was sure they were feeling it on the inside. (For the record, she agreed with my assessment.)

The point I was trying to make with my young friend is that the sexual/physical component of her marriage is much more important than she thought it was. It isn’t just a fringe benefit, but an intricate component of how two married people relate to each other. And if this area is suffering, it is pretty much a given that the rest of the marriage is suffering too. And that means the husband and wife are suffering as well.

I’ve often said to the young married wives in my relational circles,  ”Sex should be what happens when our bodies get to do what our hearts already have.”  So the bedroom is more than just the playroom. What is going on there can provide a glimpse of what is happening, or will happen, in the rest of the relationship. Where the heart goes, the body follows.

While, the sexual relationship between husband and wife is a most private one and not open for all to see,  how a couple interact physically in public is. And here lies my point. How a couple touches in public, how they look at each other, how they relate to each other in front of others – this can be a predictor.

A young single friend of mine once went to meet a married couple who were friends of his for an evening out. He met them at the end of their dance lesson where they were learning a new step together. His response to watching how they touched each other, how they interacted physically?

“Ah. They make me want to be married.”

How a married couple ‘dances’ in public tells a lot about the quality of their marriage in private. Body language can be an incredibly powerful predictor. Does a couple look at each other with love and affection in their eyes? Is respect evident in how they touch? Do their hands just fit in such a way that their being together and being in each other’s space, feels and looks like the most natural place for them to be? Does a couple’s public interaction with each other stir in others a desire for that type of marriage? Does it point to how God might want to tenderly and affectionately relate to us?

I’ve also learned through the years that how a married couple ‘dances’ in public also teaches single people much about whether they want to be married one day themselves. I meet many young college students and they say something like this, “If what I’ve seen of marriage is what it is, then I don’t want any part of it.” I find it incredibly sad that we have messed up one of God’s most treasured gifts to us so badly, a whole generation is rejecting it.

And sometimes I’ve found that when I intentionally touch Jeff gently, in a way that tells him how I love him, trust him, want to be with and near him, my heart follows. 

So my suggestion today is for couples to give some thought on what their public body language between each other reflects about the quality of their relationship in private. What does it say to your spouse about your feelings towards them? What is it growing in your heart towards them? Greater intimacy or greater distance? What words come to mind when others see you together and how you touch each other? Would you make them want to have the type of relationship you have?

I see trucks like this and ... the memories just start coming.

Perhaps my most embarrassing (and emotionally scarring) move-related event occurred on my way home from my junior year of college. My parents had relocated recently and I hadn’t been to the new house yet. So I drove onto Ft. Benning (which, in a weird quirk of fate is coincidentally my birth place) late one night, with the street address written on the back of an envelope. Since this was before the age of GPS, I got hopelessly lost. And I’ll never forget having to stop at the military police station and ask for directions to my house. Think about how odd that conversation must have sounded…”Excuse me Sargent, can you tell me where I live?” My mom told that story numerous times over the years, thinking it was hilarious. Me? Not so much.

And then I met Jeff, the ultimate hometown boy. He had lived in the same city all his life, with friends he’d known so long he couldn’t even remember meeting them. He had the same best friend since 7th grade. The same phone number for over 10 years. There were ladies at his church who had kept him as a baby in the nursery. He went to his high school reunions. His furniture didn’t have moving company stickers all over them. Honestly, I could not comprehend his life. I suspect he felt the same about mine.

After meeting in our mid-twenties, we knew pretty quickly we were meant for each other. (He is awfully cute, you know…) The problem was, we lived on opposite sides of Atlanta, me in Kennesaw and he in Duluth. Those of you from this area know that even though the distance is only about 30 miles, with traffic, some days it might as well have been from here to the moon. So we racked up quite a few miles on and hours in our cars that year, always saying hello and always saying goodbye.

I’m giving you all of this background information so that you can fully appreciate what I’m about to share with you: what is perhaps my most favorite marriage memory. We were literally on our way home from our honeymoon. Actually, we were on our way home from his grandmother’s birthday party…with all of his extended family…which we went to straight from the airport… while on the way home from our honeymoon… which, by the way, no one should ever have to do…I digress…

But late that night, after being married a grand total of 8 days, we walked in the front door of our little apartment. Together. Neither one of us had to drive anywhere. And while I was crossing the proverbial threshold… I realized I was home.  My heart was beginning to grasp the first layers of a complicated word that before had been elusive, that often elicited a somewhat anxious response in me and an undefined longing. It was a really beautiful moment for me.

Over the years Jesus has incrementally worked in my heart, redefining the word to mean wherever He is. That is a powerful story in and of itself. And of course now that I am older and have physically lived in stable, well-defined spaces for extended periods of time, place certainly plays a part of my heart definition of home. But that night Jesus gave me something special. And He used my new, way-too-young-too-get-married husband to give it to me. A heart shift. The first step on the road to healing I didn’t even know I needed.

And today, on Valentine’s Day, I am reminiscing about how He has used my beloved Jeff to bless me in all sorts of unexpected ways. Which is sort of what I think the day is supposed to be about.

(Insert evil villain laugh here circa Dr. Evil. See below.)

Well, maybe I do need to dial it back a bit…but my point is generally that I like to get certain things done. I’m a do-er. And of course over the years I’ve translated this, often in unhealthy ways, to my relationship with God. Sigh.

I get something on my mind – like dealing with an issue He has brought to my attention. Say, my fear of the future. (Since I’m sure I’m the only one who struggles with this, you can use your imagination to follow me here.) And I go to work. I find all sorts of scriptures on the topic and write out memory cards. I ask wise people’s opinions. I read voraciously till I’m brain-full. I develop a strategy and game plan. You get the picture. I am quite the focused busy beaver. Chewing trees and building great big dams in the middle of everything.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd then I realize that I can’t fix something like that. I can’t snap my fingers and say, “No fear!” Even when I put forth all kinds of effort to lay the groundwork for true life change.  At some point, God either shows up and does the work in me, or I am completely lost. Sometimes it feels like being 3 years old and really really wanting to turn the light on in a room when I can’t reach the switch. I can bang my head against the wall, jump up and down and cry all day long. And all that effort still won’t turn the light on. Someone bigger than me has to come on the scene and flip the switch. Sometimes sanctification looks like that in my life.

What Jesus is teaching me is to learn passivity. To wait quietly, sometimes in the dark (but never alone) until it is time for the lights to come on. I have to learn to let Him lead, to let Him be the initiator and Sovereign in my life. And this doesn’t come easily to this busy girl. In fact, it has become a primary lesson He is trying to teach me. To let Him lead. For me to be passive before Him and let Him do His thing.

That way I can never mistake His work in my life for my efforts and say in my heart, “Look what I did!”. Or  remain unsure of His willingness and ability to intervene on my behalf because I pre-empted His work in my life.

And this is so counter to how I normally operate that it is quite a challenge. It is like He is saying, “Surprise! Contrary to all of your preconceived notions of how you should relate to me, I don’t want you to do a thing here. Instead, I want you to let Me do something on your behalf. Will you let me?”

Will I let Him? What a question…

Learning to do nothing, while He acts on my behalf. To rest in Him. To wait on Him. To watch what He is doing in my life and get out of His way. To stop talking so much and learn to listen. To give Him the space and time in my life to actually be my God and Savior. Will I? And if I won’t why?

Evidently I have been pushing Him out of the way with all my activity. To which He has basically said, “Chill out, baby girl.”

In the past I’ve viewed passivity as weakness. Yet Jesus is teaching me that intentional passivity is actually quite a difficult and powerful spiritual discipline. And it is also an incredible doorway that He walks through on His way in to my life and heart. So I’m asking myself these days, “How can I get out of Jesus’ way as He moves in my life? How can I invite Him to tame the destructive type A tendencies in me that rob me of His presence, without destroying something of how He has wired me to be?”

And what exactly does a beautifully healthy, spiritually passive life before Him look like?

Oddly enough, this is a photo of my friend at a "Don't Want To Be" Party - where people came dressed as something they didn't want to be. Obviously, at the time, she didn't want to be married. Funny how God works, isn't it?

(living in an urban neighborhood of Atlanta so she can be a part of incarnating Christ there). She hasn’t lived a charmed life by any stretch of the imagination, yet she loves Jesus. And now she’s getting married to a very fortunate young man. He’s cute too.

They came over recently and introduced us to a concept they created called the Tour de Marriage. Like the Tour de France is a bicycle race around France, in the months preceding their marriage, they are ‘taking a tour’ of all the good marriages in their circle of friends. It is a time to ask questions, to be asked questions, to gain wisdom and input from those who have gone before them.

What a great idea!!! I told them I was totally stealing it (although very much giving credit where it is due) because it was one of the best marriage ideas I’ve heard in a long time. Young people seeking wisdom from older people. Older people offering wisdom to younger people. Experienced married people mentoring engaged and newlywed people. Imagine! The concept is so good in fact, you’d think it was God’s…oh wait… it is. (2 Tim. 2:2, Tit. 2:3-7, 2 Tim. 3:10-11)

The fact is, there is nothing new under the sun. Marriage is as old as people are. And the experiences of those who have done it well are available for those intentional enough to seek it out and brave enough to ask.

I’m sure a very positive predictor of marriage – those character qualities, behavior patterns and practices that lead to healthy, loving marriages – is the presence of marriage mentors in one’s life. And the practice of asking for help, opinions and stories that encourage and teach is an incredibly smart thing to do.

Right after Jeff and I married, we had the chance to sit with a couple who had been married almost 75 years. Yes, I said that right. In true South Georgia style, they were married very young and were now very old, still holding hands as they rocked together on their farm. So Jeff and I tried to seize the moment and asked them what advice they might give a couple who had been married for a few weeks. They said something that has stuck with us since.

With a strong country accent they said emphatically, “No matter what, just keep on talking. When you quit talking to each other, you quit solving problems. So talk a lot.”

Communication. Wisdom. From someone who knew. Priceless. And it was trustworthy because they had so obviously worked this truth out in their 7 decades of marriage.

I would encourage any young couple out there reading this to plan your own Tour de Marriage. Find a few couples in your circles who seem to be doing marriage well. Ask for some of their time. Ask questions. Ask them to ask you questions and to share things you don’t even know to ask. Listen really well. And then take what they say as the basis for intentional conversations between the two of you going forward. And put their advice to practice early in your marriage – building it right the first time instead of having to repair something later.

This practice predicts very good things for married couples.

Here is a link to my friend’s website if you want to read about someone making a difference in a difficult place.  Vine City  http://www.vinecity.blogspot.com/

I am a communicator and I have a story that I want to tell, that I am compelled to share. Some days, like Jeremiah, I feel it will burst out of me if I don’t speak it out loud (or write it down) and know someone heard it. Valued it. I have to know that the things God has placed in my life have a purpose and are being redeemed for something greater.

Yet, sometimes it is difficult for me to communicate. Because I know in my heart what it is I am trying to say. And I think I know how I want it to come out. Really well. Really polished. Using all the right words, telling the story in the right order. Shading my meanings, illustrating my points, painting the meaning of it all into the lives of those who are listening – so that they get it. So that someone gets me. And if I’m honest, I also want it to make me look like a good communicator in the process. Sigh.

What I’m finding is in that moment, when I come to the parts of my story where things radically change, where events converge, where the narrative takes on a cohesive form and things begin to make sense, where the climax is imminent and I can’t wait to connect with another person from my very heart…sometimes words fail. The gap between what I want to say and how it comes out seems huge! And I am heartbroken. 

A friend reminded me of a great truth recently. We were talking about this very problem of communicating big truths from my heart to another’s and she basically said, “Deanna, you don’t have to tie it all up with a bow.” I’m still reeling from the power of this sentence.

Oh, I should give some thought to how I want to express myself. Good communicators meticulously think through how their message will be received and how to make that reception as easy and clear as possible.  But sometimes, such clinical precision takes away from the raw emotion of one heart opening up to another. Sometimes it is ok for my story to be messy. For me to sound inarticulate, because what I’m trying to say is so big, so meaningful, that sometimes it stretches just a bit beyond my words – and all I’m left with is a, “You know what I mean?” And I can only hope they do.

Part of the compulsion for perfection comes from the fear of that moment when I pour my deepest emotions out, hoping they know what I mean, and I see in their eyes they don’t. Or, they do get what I am trying to say, but they reject it.  And by extension, reject me. Here is the communicator’s dilemma – to share and risk misunderstanding, to risk rejection. Or not to share at all and risk blowing up. Sigh.

What I’m learning is that the art of communication is sometimes as messy as the acquisition of things valuable enough to talk about. (FYI – for you teachers out there, that is a very important concept.)

And that is ok. One of the major things communication is about is connection. About the relationship that undergirds the conversation. It is about one heart reaching out to another, to be heard, to be accepted, to be loved. And the stuff of relationship, of connection is really rather messy.

While I am in no way endorsing sloppy communication (and written communication often falls into a different category) what I am saying is it is ok to share your story without it being perfect. Sometimes the presentation isn’t nearly as important as the content or the connection trying to be made.

And I’m left wondering what might happen if in some of our closest relationships, we dropped the need to tie things up with a bow, to wrap the story up with exact words and just concentrated on the content and relational glue that holds it all together?

My mother was a food genius. When we were little, we’d start hovering around the kitchen about 3-ish or so, looking around for something to eat. I did it. My children do it. You know how relentless hungry kids can be. They circle like sharks.  And on those days when we were sure there wasn’t a drop of food anywhere in the house, she would enter the kitchen and miraculously, in about 30 minutes or so, whip up something so tasty I’d swear she was a magician. I always wondered, “How did she make something so great out of what looked like nothing?”

Of course there was obviously more than nothing in the kitchen, but most likely it was leftovers. Scraps. Canned pumpkin and frozen broccoli. Definitely not the first fruits, as we’d already eaten them. No, she took the stuff we had looked over, thought wasn’t edible, didn’t know what to do with and worked her mom-magic on it. Mixed in a dab of butter, a little cream soup or shredded cheese and …dinner. Tasty dinner too. I miss my mom.

It is the secret of the chef, I guess. Or of a mom. They just know how to handle food. How to mix it, cook it, season it just so… that it becomes more than it was. I’m finding that Jesus does the same thing. But He doesn’t use food.

Some days, I look at my life and swear there isn’t much there. In fact, some days I am overwhelmed by the mess of it all. I say ‘mess’, because it is a much nicer word than ‘sin’. But I really mean ‘sin’. I think to myself, if there was any potential for something good to come out of me, we surely would have seen it by now, therefore…the cupboards must be bare.

And then Jesus does His thing. Taking my mess. My sin. My screw-ups. My damaged parts. My past. And somehow He … makes something…beautiful. Where I see mess, He sees potential. Where I see history. He sees a bigger story. He adds some grace, renews some thought patterns, teaches some new behaviors. Maybe He introduces a new relationship or previously unknown information. And bam! Something tasty.

He is a miracle worker, that Jesus. He makes something out of nothing. But instead of food, He uses my life. He leads me to become more than I was, more than I thought I could be. And if I hover around close, I get to see Him at work.

Sometimes, I cry when singing this to my Jesus.

Choosing to put the other first in those moments when you know you deserve to go first.

Choosing to spend time together, even when you’ve got other things to do.

Choosing to turn off the electronics completely in a conversation so they know they really do have your undivided attention.

Choosing to engage in conversation when all you really want to do is veg out on the couch with the remote.

Choosing to intentionally nurture the physical side of the relationship, even when you just want to roll over and go to sleep.

Choosing to laugh together. Often. Even when you might rather argue.

Choosing to go to that restaurant, watch that movie, talk about that subject, wear that shirt – just because you know your spouse would like it.

Choosing to hold your tongue in a moment of anger because you recognize intense emotion can lead you to say something you can’t ever take back. And reckless words are among the greatest destructor of marriages. (Pr. 12:18)

Choosing not to correct them publicly when they are telling a story you’ve heard a hundred times and you know they are telling it wrong.

Choosing to speak gently at a moment when they need correction.

Choosing to give up the great opportunity you’ve always wanted to pursue because you know it would hurt your marriage, home life or family.

Choosing to do their chores for a bit, just because you know they are tired. And that it would make them happy.

Choosing to hold their hand, touch their arm or sit closely because you want them to know you are near.

Choosing to ask for help from other older couples when you hit a relational roadblock.

Choosing to invest in your marriage with time, affection, conversation, fun – even in those seasons when it feels like work.

Choosing not to hide your stuff, feelings, issues even when they’ve stayed hidden so successfully for so long.

Choosing to open the door, get a cold drink for them, do the laundry, cuddle in bed, praise the other – just because. For nothing in return. Just because you want to show them you value them.

Choosing to stop talking for a bit and just listen. To ask questions and wait till the full answer emerges – because you not only want to hear the answer, but because you want your partner to feel heard.

Choosing to say you love them in the style they hear it, not in the style you want to say it.

It is here, in the day-to-day choices we make, that hide in the daily grind and are so often overlooked or excused away – it is here where we either gradually build or eventually destroy our relationships. Couples who develop the discipline of making the right choices set themselves on a very healthy relational trajectory, towards love and affection even in their old age.

Let me tell you what I love about this video (in case you missed it – this is an older couple accidentally recording themselves while trying to figure out the video camera)…listen to how sweetly the man talks to his wife. Even when he doesn’t know he’s being recorded, even when they are trying to figure out how in the world this computer thingy works, he nurtures her, compliments her, encourages her. And if I heard it right, at the 1:50 mark, he asks her to drop her dress. They’ve clearly made quite a few right choices over the years.