Dangerous Times

Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

Proverbs 27:12 The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

My dad, who was both a fixed wing and helicopter pilot in the army, once told me something very interesting about pilots. He told me that the most dangerous time for a pilot, that season of their professional lives when they are most likely to have a flight accident is not during the first few years out of flight school, when they are young and inexperienced. And it isn’t during the last few years of their careers, when they are old and perhaps tired or overconfident. The most dangerous time for a pilot is the years in between those two extremes.

My father explained that new pilots are hyper-vigilant, constantly aware of the weight of the responsibility they bear. Younger pilots tend to go to extremes of caution to make up for their lack of experience. They checklist everything, ask for help and keep their eyes wide open for potential mistakes. On the other hand, older pilots have years of flying under their belt. They know the dangers of their field and have probably known pilots who have had accidents. They know how to solve most problems they will face, know when to ask for help and aren’t too proud to do so. They, like their young counterparts, are also statistically safe.

New pilots are cautious. Old pilots are experienced.

The most dangerous pilots are those in between new and old, who are neither cautious nor experienced. These are the pilots who have been flying long enough for the initial fear to wear off, but not long enough to realize they don’t know everything. Lack of caution plus arrogance equals mistakes. And in an airplane, that can be disastrous.

Married people follow the same pattern. Couples are never more aware of the health of their marriage and willing to learn and change than during that first year. And couples who have survived and thrived after decades of marriage obviously understand what it takes to successfully live with and love another person.

It’s those couples in the in-between years who are most often in danger. They have been together long enough to become  comfortable. Over the years, blind spots and tolerance for unhealthy habits form. The edge of fear and newness wears off. At the same time, they’ve been married long enough to feel like they know more about marriage than they actually do. They might even be afraid to ask for help as it would be a sign of weakness.

It appears to me that the same is true of those in the Christian faith. New believers are so passionate, so teachable and so energetic, dying to make their faith work. They ask questions and listen to counsel. And older believers have collected wisdom and experience that both protects and yields fruit in their lives. The ones most in danger are those who have walked with God long enough to think they know something about walking with God, but not long enough to realize that they don’t know much at all. When crises come, they leave too soon, choose poorly and don’t ask for help until it is too late.

The application? Humility and help! Awareness of the reality of my situation and internal condition. Asking people to look at areas of my life, where they might have clearer vision and offer constructive comments. And endurance. Keeping on, doing wise things and being open to learning more, in both my marriage and my faith. I want to make it to those years where I might actually know something about what I’m doing.

The Danger of…slothfulness

(The Danger series, pt. 6)

Proverbs 6:9-11 How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep?A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest- and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.

Proverbs 19:15 Laziness brings on deep sleep, and the shiftless man goes hungry

Proverbs 20:4 A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.

As a former science teacher, I know that gravity wins almost every time. Sometimes a comfortable chair or bed irresistibly calls to me to come and stop moving for a while. The forces of nature and my own flesh conspire against me. The result, more often than I would like, is slothfulness.

This is different from an intentional resting, which is not only valuable, but necessary. Sometimes hanging out on the couch or sleeping in late is important for our mental and physical health. We should have the freedom to enjoy guilt-free  periods of  rest, times where we do something, or nothing, just because we want to and just because it feels good. These times have a restorative purpose and are as important for our bodies as exercise. They are just at the opposite end of the spectrum and healthy people swing  back and forth across it.

What I’m talking about is when we cross that line from rest to sloth. Where is that line? I’m pretty sure it is different for everyone. I can tell when I’ve crossed it because there is a restlessness in my non-motion, when my body says to me, in its oh so subtle way, “Get up and move, you sluggard!” Since my body and me have a pretty intimate relationship, she can talk to me like that and I know she speaks in love.

But rest says, “It’s enough. Time for whatever is next. ” There is a natural ending point. Sloth says, “More. Just stay right where you are.” Rest prompts energy and creativity, a longing to do more. Sloth sucks life and leaves me in a fog, with no direction and no desire to move.

So learning to listen to my body is an important spiritual skill for me. It tells me how to care for myself in a life-giving way. Learning to listen to my heart is also. Because when I’m not as active as I should be, there is a lethargy that settles into other areas of my life as well. It makes my heart hurt. It’s harder to think clearly, to get motivated to study, cook, clean and do the normal things of life.

Slothfulness also leads me to indulge my introverted nature to the point where it’s easier to avoid people than to deal with them. Again, there is nothing wrong with time alone, especially for those who aren’t normal extroverts. (That’s me speaking!) But when I seek it as an escape, not a means of restoration, it indicates to me something is wrong in my soul.

Rest is good. Slothfulness is dangerous. Lord, help me to recognize the difference.

The Danger Of…an undisciplined tongue

(The Danger series, pt. 5)

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 11:12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.

Proverbs 17:28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

James 3:3-5 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.  Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.

Back in my teaching days, one particular pre-planning time stands out. The administration brought in an etiquette expert to talk with us. I was about to roll my eyes until she opened her mouth and said, “Manners are a way, not only to show respect to another, but to provide a framework so people know how to interact with each other.” She had my attention now. I had traveled enough overseas to know the awkwardness of greeting someone else when you don’t know the rules. Do we shake hands? With one or two hands? Can a woman shake a man’s hand? Do I look them in the eye? Is a hug or peck on the cheek expected? In some cultures, there is even a whole other set of pronouns that are used in more formal settings. When to use those? And one thing I learned about middle schoolers during my time in the teenage wasteland is this – they are incredibly socially awkward and have no idea about proper interaction with adults. Or each other.

Our speaker’s point was that we as the adults set the tone and teach our students more than just our subject matter, but  also how to socially interact. She laid down a challenge that I readily accepted. For 30 days she wanted us to greet our students at the door, calling their name warmly and shaking their hand.

I got a lot out of that month. I could write about the power of giving someone my undivided attention, personal touch or taking the initiative in greeting someone else. I could write about how, after the experience, it was impossible for me to  view my class collectively, now that I had consciously interacted with each student as an individual. Perhaps the greatest lesson however, was feeling the power of my words. I saw young people blossom at just hearing their name spoken out loud. When I said a heartfelt “Good morning___________”, I could tell that for many of them, this was their first positive interaction with someone for the day. For some, it was the first time that day they heard their name called aloud. How I greeted them changed their countenance and often their body posture. It certainly changed what went on in my classroom and affection I had for my students.

The experience really drove home the point that I hold the power in my hands, in my tongue really, to say something that can either bless or hurt. Every person can remember something positive a teacher said to them, no matter how long ago. Every person can remember something negative a teacher said to them, no matter how long ago. Knowing how powerful our words can be, knowing they can lodge in someone else’s heart for the rest of their lives, knowing they can change so much about the quality of our relationships and how another person makes it through the day, shouldn’t we give some thought to what and how we speak?

Realizing just how powerful my words can be, self-discipline becomes very, very important. I don’t have the luxury of giving full vent to my feelings without thinking of the consequences, of how they will land on another’s heart. I have to learn to discipline my tongue. Careless, undisciplined words are like stray bullets. We’ve all been hit and hurt by them before. We’ve all said things,  in an unguarded moment that we wish we could take back. But we can never take back our words. We can apologize, contextualize and rationalize, but we can’t undo what we’ve said.

So, I know how to discipline my body or my appetites. I know how to be disciplined in my study habits. I can even discipline myself to drive the speed limit or clean my house when I’d rather be doing anything else. How do I discipline my tongue? What an important question for Christ-followers!

The Danger Of…Being A Critic Instead Of A Builder

(The Danger series, pt. 4)

Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the LORD is able to make him stand.

It’s so much easier to be a spectator in life than to get in the game and change things. Unfortunately, our churches feed into this natural tendency. We hold our meetings in theaters with large screens so we can watch. The performers/worship leaders (who are of such excellent professional quality that normal people could never hope to compete) lead from stages bathed in colored lights and smoke. In our pursuit of culturally relevant forms of worship, which is a good thing, we’ve widened the divide between those in professional ministry and ordinary lay people. In so doing, we’ve created a Christian culture of watching, not participating.

And where there is a culture of watching, the next logical step is to become a critic. “The preaching was too long. The music is too loud. The parking is too crowded. The children’s ministry is too disorganized.”, and on and on.

It’s one thing to analyze and study a situation.  It’s another to be a part of the problem, with no desire to be a part of the solution. What’s scary is that it’s such an easy trap to fall into. So many people are not builders, they are critics. Consumers. They feel the right to criticize God’s servants from a distance without understanding the context or the person’s heart and motives. And when things don’t meet their approval, they move to the next place and next group of people and begin critiquing all over again.

What I  hope would characterize those who know and love Jesus is a desire to build things, to step out and up front when it is time, to create environments for people to do just that, to encourage each other with a security that looks to God alone for approval, and courage to risk criticism from the peanut gallery. I hope the posture in which I live out my faith isn’t sitting down, facing a stage and running my mouth, but moving, leaning forward, getting my hands dirty and energetically doing whatever it is God has put before me.

I want to be a part of the solution to whatever problem God leads me towards and places me in the middle of. I don’t want to be just another complication. And I don’t want to be that person that we all hate to see coming: who runs their mouth but never bothers to move their body to help out. I hope at the end of my life that I am a builder and not just a critic.

The Danger Of Repeated Conversations

(The Danger series, pt. 1)

A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a hundred lashes a fool. Pr. 17:10

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Pr. 27:5

Wounds from a friend can be trusted…Pr. 27:6

Recently I was visiting with a friend I usually only see face to face about once a year. Because the time together with friends like that is so limited, conversation goes to different and deeper levels pretty quickly. There is no luxury of small talk. Like the grandparent who only sees the grandchild once a year, instantly noticing just how much they’ve grown and changed, friends like this offer me really valuable observations. They don’t hear the intermediate steps in my thought processes, just moments frozen in time, a year or so apart. Progress, or lack thereof is pretty obvious with a glance.

All this to say, I felt slapped in the face by this recent conversation. In a good way, to be sure, but slapped in the face nonetheless. As my friend and I were talking about one of my heart issues, she said, “Deanna, we had this exact conversation a year ago. It seems like you should have moved on. If, in 5 years, we are still having the same conversation, I’ll be very sad.” How ’bout that for honest exchange? The memory of the hand print on my cheek still stings.

She realized and called me on the fact that with this particular issue, I had made almost no progress in the last year. I was shocked at the honest look at myself, a bit embarrassed by the truth of it and more grateful than I can say for the opportunity to kick a particular area of my life out of neutral and into gear.

This experience was helpful to me in starting to really listen to the things I’m talking about with my trusted friends and realizing the danger of repeated conversations. Having time to process particular issues through a series of conversations is certainly useful. Some heart topics require a season to move through, and it is an amazing blessing to have faithful friends  who are willing to walk alongside. But at some point I need to break the cycle of endless analysis and hand wringing and start moving forward. At some point, I need to start having new conversations.