Motherhood and Ministry

(I wrote this for my previous blog in October 2007. The context was that we were missionaries doing university ministry in Germany and I had just returned from a women’s conference in England. It’s still my philosophy of motherhood and ministry, so I wanted to re-post it here.)

One of my favorite things about doing what we do is the opportunity to learn from such wise and experienced women who’ve been around the proverbial cross-cultural/ministry block a time or two. Whenever I’m at events like the conference last week in England I always try to seek out a few older women and just ask questions. A topic that came up often this last week was how to be a mother and a minister at the same time, since both are so emotionally draining and time-consuming. I spent some time really thinking over my own philosophy of how I do both…and here are my thoughts on it. 

1. No One Is Superwoman - Before kids, I used to be able to do just aboutanything I wanted and I could seemingly bend my schedule around almost any obstacle. Well, no more. Now that I’m a mom, I realize I can’t do it all. I have to make hard decisions about where and how to spend my time and energy. In fact, I can’t even do everything I’m probably supposed to do. That means I have to prioritize and strategize. I have to plan my days with a lot more care and think about how to best use the resources I have. To do that I have to really seek God in what He wants me to do. One meeting that God wants me to keep is worth more than 5 that might be important, but weren’t specifically on God’s agenda for me. Advice I’ve received from older women who’ve been at this thing longer than I have seems to go like this – “What God wants from us is almost always less than we think it is. We are the ones who put so much pressure on our schedules in an attempt to prove ourselves.” Since most folks in our business are type A overachievers, this is probably right. So the bottom line is this – “Realize you can’t do it all and be ok with that. Just find out what God wants you to do and do that well.”

2. It’s Motherhood and Ministry, Not Ministry and Motherhood - I’ve often wondered why God called us to come to

Germany 

with two small kids (and then added a third!) knowing it would limit my availabilty for ministry. In light of that I’ve spent the last 2 years trying to summarize what exactly what my job is here in Germany and part of my explanation is this – I’m a wife and mother in front of a lot of people. Therefore, the first of all I am and have has to go to my husband and kids. What kind of example would I be, talking about how God loves people, but living like He wants me to sacrifice my family on the altar of ministry? God’s first priority for me is to take care of my family. Therefore I put my Jeff and kids on my calendar first. (This was a lesson learned the hard way.) In fact, sometimes I ‘choose’ to be with my kids, in front of the students, even when they are in our apartment. I need both them and my kids, to see how much I value and love Jeffrey, Georgia and Abby. The flip side is that sometimes it’s important for the kids to see how I also love the students and welcome them into our home. We do ministry as a family and I want our kids to realize they are a part of what we do, not just observers of what mom and dad do. Motherhood and ministry aren’t always two different things; sometimes they are the exact same thing. 

3. Build and Blur Boundaries - In our work, the boundaries between family and ministry can be a bit fuzzy since we have people in our home often. Therefore we sometimes build boundaries around our family time, intentionally and publicly, scheduling time just for us and the kids. But we also blur the boundaries of our family in that we invite students not only into our home but into our lives as well. Some of our friends here go by the name ‘Tante’, which means ‘Aunt’ to signify how special they are to us. Some of our students have shared a few of the most personal and special family moments we’ve had since being over here. During those times, they are genuinely just as much a part of the family as we are. We love that about what we do, because we love our students so much. The trick is figuring out when to build and when to blur. I’ve discovered that both Jeff and the kids are really good at telling me when they need more of me. Sometimes they look hungry,(that’s usually Jeff’s strategy) and sometimes they just demand more of my time through their behavior (that’s the kids’ primary strategy). As the keeper of the home, my job is to listen to what they are saying and to try to head off imbalances before they become problems.

4. Underpromise and Overdeliver – This is a great rule for moms to live by, because sometimes our tendency is to overcommit to things, then to get trapped by our commitments. To avoid this, I am very careful about what I commit to. In effect, I underpromise my time. This creates margin in my schedule, which allows me to then overdeliver. As I see holes and availability in my schedule during the week, I can make appointments, help with ministry things, and jump in where needed. Doing it this way means I’m free to adjust my commitments as the needs of my family dictate. This isn’t always easy since I have to be firm in saying no, when I so much want to say yes. Our faith however is played out in those tough decisions, when we choose what God wants for us, even if it isn’twhat we would choose for ourselves. I’ve also found that when I underpromise and overdeliver, I actually create space for God to show up in my life. By relinquishing control of my schedule over to Him, He often enables me to do more ministry with less time than I ever could have done on my own. He’s really good that way, in blessing our obedience to Him.

Motherhood — Doing What You Never Thought Possible

(Another post from a previous blog – Feb. 2007 I haven’t edited it, so please excuse some of my early writing. I wrote it in the moment.)

While I’m no expert, I am discovering that motherhood is all about doing those things you never thought you could. For instance, tonight I had to reach into my handsome, precious first born’s mouth, grab a baby tooth with my bare hands and attempt to pull it out. I had seen him wiggling it for the last few days and to be honest, it kind of freaked me out. I was hoping it would just fall out on it’s own and I could play tooth fairy and be ahero with no real effort on my part. Alas, that was not to be. While we were watching a video together he started jumping up and down, crying and was all kinds of upset. He said his tooth had spun, and just a glance told me he was right. His tooth was now at a right angle to the direction it was supposed to face. It took everything in me not to jump up and down and cry with him when I saw it. But I had one of those ‘mom moments’, where I was called upon to do the very thing I didn’t think I could just a few short hours ago. I took him in my arms and with all the confidence in the world, talked sweet to him. I told him how big and brave he was now that his ‘big boy’ teeth were coming in, that his tooth would surely fall out tonight and he’d feel better in no time. He bought it and calmed down. Then I did the unthinkable. I asked him if he wanted me to try to pull it. I’ve never pulled a tooth before so I had no idea what I was doing. Fortunately, he didn’t know that. And when he said yes, he’d like me to try I had to fake my expertise in the area. I grabbed and pulled. To slippery. I got Georgia to get some toilet paper so I could grip it better. No go. Finally, we realized it wasn’t coming and we’d just have to wait. I laid with him in his bed and held his little hand till he calmed down and was almost asleep.
It was after all this I realized a few things. First, motherhood, at its core, is about meeting needs. Second, it’s a messy job. Third, no one is qualified till you do it. You can’t read your way to exalted motherhood. You get there one dirty diaper, one pulled tooth, one load of laundry, one kiss on a skinned knee, one goodnight story at a time. And fourth, it’s so much harder than anyone could ever tell you.
Spiritual growth happens the same way. No one can read their way to maturity. No one at the start of their faith journey would ever imagine being able to love God more than comfort, logic, cultural expectations, or any thing else they might be asked to sacrifice along the way. Following God with all your heart is messy. Sometimes you do it well, sometimes, not so well. But at its core, it’s impossible to do unless you are in caring relationships with others, looking out for their needs, as well as letting them meet your own. It’s impossible to do all at once too. You have to do it one Bible study, one prayer, one sacrifice, one relationship, one disappointment, one life experience at a time.
Oh, but the joy of God Himself laying down beside us, comforting us and holding our hand till we fall asleep…One day Jeffrey will have both his big boy teeth and the experience of knowing his mom was there when he needed her.

A Great Weekend In America

With the new blog series on cultures and how our nationality can be a spiritual trigger, I wanted to let y’all in on a great weekend me and the family had this recently. Just a little glimpse into why living in America can be a uniquely great experience.

Jeffrey at his piano recital at his Korean music academy.

Things started off with Jeffrey at his piano recital. He takes his lessons at a local Korean music academy. He’s in the back row, right in the middle. As you can see, he’s the only caucasian kid in the group. This recital was so Korean in fact, that they didn’t even speak English.

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Me and hubby at a Gladiators game. Good times.

 

 

 

 

 

Then Jeff and I splurged on some front row tickets to the Gladiators hockey game. It was another cross-cultural experience as the room was filled with rowdy Canadians. We ate a good meal, banged on the glass, held hands and generally had a great time.

Worship at the Village church - the South Asian congregation we are members of.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then, we went to worship at The Village – our South Asian congregation. I can’t tell you how much we’ve enjoyed unplugging a bit from our big box suburban church and engaging with a smaller, more intimate community of believers.

 

 

 

 

 

For some reason, Jeff and I thrive in cross-cultural contexts. It’s one reason that our area is so great. We get to rub shoulders with all sorts of people just as we go about our everyday activities.

Here’s the full video of Jeffrey doing his thing for those who are interested.