Thoughts On Having Daughters

A while back I heard this about raising daughters. You spend the first 10 years telling them they are the center of the universe and the next 10 teaching them they are not. There is a lot of truth there – with the over-arching theme being that daughters are complicated. As a mother of both a boy and two girls, I can attest from personal experience that they are very different.

Be still, my mother heart!!!

After having Jeffrey I was sure I would be a good mother of boys. They are relatively straight forward after all. When they are babies you just feed, change (being sure to cover them properly as they do spray) and put them in pants and shirts. When they get a bit older, just feed them more, put them in bigger pants and shirts, teach them to aim and make sure the house always has lots of sport balls and stuff to both build with and destroy.

But girls…oh my. Even from birth, they come with lots of accessories. Hair things. Matching shoes. Different outfits for different occasions. Even their dolls come with accessories. And while boys are more like wind-up toys, just set them off and they often take care of themselves, girls need attention. They don’t want to play with toys. They want to play with YOU and their toys. My relationship with Jeffrey is a side-to-side one. We do stuff together. My relationship with my daughters is definitely face-to-face. We talk with one another. A lot.

Then there are the words. So many of them! Both my daughters were obviously highly motivated to communicate as they both started talking much earlier than my boy. They both, in true girl fashion, like to talk. A lot. Girls are also really great snugglers, in tune with and not afraid of the physical side of family relationships. They love to get under the same blanket at family movie time and share popcorn and warmth.

Then there is the drama. Sister conflict, tears over things that Jeffrey wouldn’t even notice, sharing issues, raised voices and crying. Lots of crying. And of course, girls can be much meaner than boys. I think it is because relationships are sooooo important to them, they just bring out big time emotion in little girls. Sometimes in ways they aren’t able to control just yet. That is something I’ll have to teach them. Along with many other things.

While growing up, my mom told my sister and me that we wouldn’t always have her. But we would always have each other. So it was very important to her that we love each other and learn to get along. We would need each other one day. I see this same dynamic in my girls. Nothing moves my heart quite like watching them love on each other. I get a glimpse of what their relationship with each other might look like when they are adults. And I like it.

As my girls get older I’m trying to think through how to help them avoid some of the girl-specific pitfalls out there. Self-esteem issues. Girl-friend issues. Self-esteem issues. Boys. Self-esteem issues. Taking care of their bodies. Which of course leads to self-esteem issues.  I see a theme here. It isn’t that my boy doesn’t struggle with these things as well. Of course he does. Although let’s hope his girl-friend issues are a few years down the road. It is just that with girls, most things are bigger, more dramatic, more colorful and more high-maintenance and frankly, more high-risk. Let’s be honest here. Girls get pregnant. No matter how equal we all are in the eyes of God, that raises the stakes considerably.

And I wouldn’t trade any of this for the world. I’m learning that I’m not a bad mother for my daughters. Perhaps not as girly as they would like. Maybe not as sensitive as they need. But wow, do I love them. And the Bible teaches that love covers a multitude of sins, thank goodness. Can’t wait to see the women they grow in to.

Thoughts On Having A Son

Recently, my son turned 11 years old. How in the world did that happen? Where did the years go? Have I really been a parent for over a decade? And what did I do to deserve such a sweet, clever, intellectually astute young man in my family?

My boy, being all boyish!!!

I would like to take some credit for developing Jeffrey into the person that he is, and, of course I understand the whole nature/nurture debate enough to know that certainly I am responsible for his love of books, his taste for buffalo wings and his penchant for asking really good thought-provoking, discussion-starting questions (“So Mom, if you could be a character from the Marvel universe, which superhero would you choose and why?” Yes, I’ve been asked this:). I know I am also quite responsible for his temper, his impatience, the way lack of sleep makes him unmanageable  and even the grumbling noise he makes when he is upset.

But honestly, when we are talking about the positive things, God has done most of the heavy lifting here. He came out wanting to show up places on time. He’s always preferred quiet to noise (the opposite of his littlest sister, by the way…) I don’t remember teaching him to want to hug his mama when he is hurt.

My husband and I used to joke (theologically incorrectly, I know) that before Jeffrey was born, he was up in heaven talking with God. And God asked him, “So Jeffrey, you can have your pick of parents. Really, look across the world and think. Any mom and dad you want. Any professions, any nationality, any socio-economic status, any intellectual capabilities, any talents – any one you want.”

And Jeffrey chose.

And God said, “Um, those people are busy. How about the Davises? They’re free.”

And that is how he ended up in our family.

But I love that God chose him to be my son, to be the first-born of our family. I love that I get a front row seat on watching him grow into the man he will become. I love that I get to have a hand in shaping him. I love how he makes me laugh, especially when he talks to me just like I talk to him.  I love my son. Happy Birthday Jeffrey.

Motherhood and Ministry

(I wrote this for my previous blog in October 2007. The context was that we were missionaries doing university ministry in Germany and I had just returned from a women’s conference in England. It’s still my philosophy of motherhood and ministry, so I wanted to re-post it here.)

One of my favorite things about doing what we do is the opportunity to learn from such wise and experienced women who’ve been around the proverbial cross-cultural/ministry block a time or two. Whenever I’m at events like the conference last week in England I always try to seek out a few older women and just ask questions. A topic that came up often this last week was how to be a mother and a minister at the same time, since both are so emotionally draining and time-consuming. I spent some time really thinking over my own philosophy of how I do both…and here are my thoughts on it. 

1. No One Is Superwoman - Before kids, I used to be able to do just aboutanything I wanted and I could seemingly bend my schedule around almost any obstacle. Well, no more. Now that I’m a mom, I realize I can’t do it all. I have to make hard decisions about where and how to spend my time and energy. In fact, I can’t even do everything I’m probably supposed to do. That means I have to prioritize and strategize. I have to plan my days with a lot more care and think about how to best use the resources I have. To do that I have to really seek God in what He wants me to do. One meeting that God wants me to keep is worth more than 5 that might be important, but weren’t specifically on God’s agenda for me. Advice I’ve received from older women who’ve been at this thing longer than I have seems to go like this – “What God wants from us is almost always less than we think it is. We are the ones who put so much pressure on our schedules in an attempt to prove ourselves.” Since most folks in our business are type A overachievers, this is probably right. So the bottom line is this – “Realize you can’t do it all and be ok with that. Just find out what God wants you to do and do that well.”

2. It’s Motherhood and Ministry, Not Ministry and Motherhood - I’ve often wondered why God called us to come to

Germany 

with two small kids (and then added a third!) knowing it would limit my availabilty for ministry. In light of that I’ve spent the last 2 years trying to summarize what exactly what my job is here in Germany and part of my explanation is this – I’m a wife and mother in front of a lot of people. Therefore, the first of all I am and have has to go to my husband and kids. What kind of example would I be, talking about how God loves people, but living like He wants me to sacrifice my family on the altar of ministry? God’s first priority for me is to take care of my family. Therefore I put my Jeff and kids on my calendar first. (This was a lesson learned the hard way.) In fact, sometimes I ‘choose’ to be with my kids, in front of the students, even when they are in our apartment. I need both them and my kids, to see how much I value and love Jeffrey, Georgia and Abby. The flip side is that sometimes it’s important for the kids to see how I also love the students and welcome them into our home. We do ministry as a family and I want our kids to realize they are a part of what we do, not just observers of what mom and dad do. Motherhood and ministry aren’t always two different things; sometimes they are the exact same thing. 

3. Build and Blur Boundaries - In our work, the boundaries between family and ministry can be a bit fuzzy since we have people in our home often. Therefore we sometimes build boundaries around our family time, intentionally and publicly, scheduling time just for us and the kids. But we also blur the boundaries of our family in that we invite students not only into our home but into our lives as well. Some of our friends here go by the name ‘Tante’, which means ‘Aunt’ to signify how special they are to us. Some of our students have shared a few of the most personal and special family moments we’ve had since being over here. During those times, they are genuinely just as much a part of the family as we are. We love that about what we do, because we love our students so much. The trick is figuring out when to build and when to blur. I’ve discovered that both Jeff and the kids are really good at telling me when they need more of me. Sometimes they look hungry,(that’s usually Jeff’s strategy) and sometimes they just demand more of my time through their behavior (that’s the kids’ primary strategy). As the keeper of the home, my job is to listen to what they are saying and to try to head off imbalances before they become problems.

4. Underpromise and Overdeliver – This is a great rule for moms to live by, because sometimes our tendency is to overcommit to things, then to get trapped by our commitments. To avoid this, I am very careful about what I commit to. In effect, I underpromise my time. This creates margin in my schedule, which allows me to then overdeliver. As I see holes and availability in my schedule during the week, I can make appointments, help with ministry things, and jump in where needed. Doing it this way means I’m free to adjust my commitments as the needs of my family dictate. This isn’t always easy since I have to be firm in saying no, when I so much want to say yes. Our faith however is played out in those tough decisions, when we choose what God wants for us, even if it isn’twhat we would choose for ourselves. I’ve also found that when I underpromise and overdeliver, I actually create space for God to show up in my life. By relinquishing control of my schedule over to Him, He often enables me to do more ministry with less time than I ever could have done on my own. He’s really good that way, in blessing our obedience to Him.

Motherhood — Doing What You Never Thought Possible

(Another post from a previous blog – Feb. 2007 I haven’t edited it, so please excuse some of my early writing. I wrote it in the moment.)

While I’m no expert, I am discovering that motherhood is all about doing those things you never thought you could. For instance, tonight I had to reach into my handsome, precious first born’s mouth, grab a baby tooth with my bare hands and attempt to pull it out. I had seen him wiggling it for the last few days and to be honest, it kind of freaked me out. I was hoping it would just fall out on it’s own and I could play tooth fairy and be ahero with no real effort on my part. Alas, that was not to be. While we were watching a video together he started jumping up and down, crying and was all kinds of upset. He said his tooth had spun, and just a glance told me he was right. His tooth was now at a right angle to the direction it was supposed to face. It took everything in me not to jump up and down and cry with him when I saw it. But I had one of those ‘mom moments’, where I was called upon to do the very thing I didn’t think I could just a few short hours ago. I took him in my arms and with all the confidence in the world, talked sweet to him. I told him how big and brave he was now that his ‘big boy’ teeth were coming in, that his tooth would surely fall out tonight and he’d feel better in no time. He bought it and calmed down. Then I did the unthinkable. I asked him if he wanted me to try to pull it. I’ve never pulled a tooth before so I had no idea what I was doing. Fortunately, he didn’t know that. And when he said yes, he’d like me to try I had to fake my expertise in the area. I grabbed and pulled. To slippery. I got Georgia to get some toilet paper so I could grip it better. No go. Finally, we realized it wasn’t coming and we’d just have to wait. I laid with him in his bed and held his little hand till he calmed down and was almost asleep.
It was after all this I realized a few things. First, motherhood, at its core, is about meeting needs. Second, it’s a messy job. Third, no one is qualified till you do it. You can’t read your way to exalted motherhood. You get there one dirty diaper, one pulled tooth, one load of laundry, one kiss on a skinned knee, one goodnight story at a time. And fourth, it’s so much harder than anyone could ever tell you.
Spiritual growth happens the same way. No one can read their way to maturity. No one at the start of their faith journey would ever imagine being able to love God more than comfort, logic, cultural expectations, or any thing else they might be asked to sacrifice along the way. Following God with all your heart is messy. Sometimes you do it well, sometimes, not so well. But at its core, it’s impossible to do unless you are in caring relationships with others, looking out for their needs, as well as letting them meet your own. It’s impossible to do all at once too. You have to do it one Bible study, one prayer, one sacrifice, one relationship, one disappointment, one life experience at a time.
Oh, but the joy of God Himself laying down beside us, comforting us and holding our hand till we fall asleep…One day Jeffrey will have both his big boy teeth and the experience of knowing his mom was there when he needed her.

My Mom Made This For Me

We are getting ready to move around here (more on this later) and as such, I’m going through my things. Sort of ironic I’d come across this bowl right before Mother’s Day. My mom made this for me years ago. You can clearly see that she was quite an artist, a trait which has jumped a generation over me to my oldest daughter. She said, with as many church functions as I go to, I needed a bowl with my name on it so I’d always get it back. Well, I don’t know that I ever used it at church, but man, did Jeff and I wear it out as a popcorn bowl. Unfortunately, it is cracked beyond repair now, but I’m not sure I can part with it just yet. My mom made if for me!

The Best Popcorn Bowl Ever!!!

A note from my mom to me.

As a bonus, she autographed the bottom with a special message. I can almost hear you say, “Aaawwww….”
So, this Mother’s Day, I’m missing my mom. But like most great moms, she made sure I knew that she loved me. I see it in her handwriting, lovingly painted just for me.

A Mother’s Prayer by Tina Fey

This is an excerpt from Tina Fey’s book Bossypants. While it contains some language and a few more graphic descriptions than I would personally write for publishing, there is much here that I’ve also prayed in some form or another for my daughters. (O Lord, please, no tattoos! Break the internet forever!) I admit it, parts of this made me laugh out loud. So, in honor of Mother’s Day, hope you enjoy!

For One Hour I Was Awesome!!!

Dissecting a cow eye with 4th graders. This was one of my cooler afternoons!

I’ll never win mom-of-the-year award. I can’t make clown cupcakes or decorate specially shaped cookies based on the most current holiday. I don’t throw elaborate themed birthday parties and my knitting skills are pathetic. But for one hour the other day I was awesome! Jeffrey’s 4th grade class was dissecting a cow eye and they needed parents to come in and help. Just so happens I’m a former biology teacher with many dissections under my belt! For one hour, my role as parent happened to align perfectly with my professional skills in a way that honestly, just doesn’t happen for me that often. And my boy was so proud of me! I almost hate to admit that I’m losing my edge and actually got a bit squeamish, but I channeled my inner science geek to the max and had a great time!

Potty Training and Discipleship

I’m in the throes of potty training around here. (Not for me, mind you…) Yeah, and it’s not going so well. It’s not that my little one isn’t capable of using the toilet.  She has in the past. It’s not that she doesn’t grasp the concept of “this goes here”. We’ve read all sorts of books and even conducted quite a few lab experiments, so I know she understands what we are talking about. It’s not that she doesn’t know when she has to go. As with most things in life, timing is everything, and as with most things in life, we always seem to be a few minutes too late.

I was trying to remember what we did with our two oldest kids and I joked, “Well, they turned 16, and it seems like they just figured it out.” That’s not exactly how it happened, but since every kid is different, every experience is different also. A “this is how we’ve always done it” approach will not work in this instance.

No, our problem is that our toddler doesn’t want to. She has made a conscious decision to do things her own way, in her own time. And as every mother will tell you, in this area, the child is in complete control. Rewards, routine, books, videos, threats, shame, bribing, expert teaching, peer pressure, modeling, detailed explanations with diagrams…try whatever you want, but until the child wants to in their own hearts, no one on earth is going to force this on them. They’ve got to own it. And my baby doesn’t just yet.

Over the years in ministry, I’ve discovered that the greatest thing about working with young people is also the worst thing at the same time. Sometimes, you see them make great decisions. They choose to follow God joyfully and wholeheartedly. They choose to study and apply their Bible. They choose to pursue intentional, life-giving relationships that point them towards spiritual depth. They choose to re-orient their finances, schedules and future plans around God-centered priorities. When a young person decides to own their faith, it’s one of the most exciting things you’ll ever see.

The flip side however is that sometimes young people choose not to. They make a conscious decision about the direction of their lives and it doesn’t matter what anyone on the outside does. You can’t force anyone to pursue spiritual growth. It’s not that the role of discipler/mentor is a completely passive one, but if they choose not to own it, there really isn’t much I can do.

This has several interesting/heartbreaking implications:

1. I’m going to lose some women. They just wander off. And it’s not personal.

2. The work of prayer is vitally important. It is the invitation to God to lead and move. And if He doesn’t, then not much is going to happen.

3. The true work and focus of discipleship is about the heart, not a to-do list. God is the only one who can change a heart, so what He does and how He works in the process is the most important part. A discipler/mentor’s role is to facilitate His work in their lives.

So how do I get a toddler to want to use the potty? How do I get a young person to want more of God in their lives?Surprisingly, the two questions aren’t as far apart as one would think.