What In The World Is My Problem – pt 7 – I Don’t Belong Anywhere

Ask me where I am from and the sarcastic side of me wants to answer, “How much time do you have?” As an Army brat I moved probably over a dozen times before I graduated from high school. In fact, I went to three different high schools. The longest I lived in any one place till college was Germany. At the very least, I need some qualifying questions to help me figure out what exactly it is you want to know. Are you asking where I was born, or where I live presently? Do you want to know where I lived the longest, where I feel at home or where I call home?  Heck, I might even need you to define for me what you mean by the word “home”.

I am a classic TCK or third culture kid, which means where I am from is very complicated.

The definition of a TCK along with some background information (from Wikipedia) is:

A Third Culture Kid (TCK) is a person who has spent a significant part of [their] developmental years outside the parents’ culture. The TCK frequently builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. Although elements from each culture may be assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background.

TCKs tend to have more in common with one another, regardless of nationality, than they do with non-TCKs from their passport country. TCKs are often multilingual and highly accepting of other cultures. Although moving between countries may become an easy thing for some TCKs, after a childhood spent in other cultures, adjusting to their passport country often takes years.

Before World War II, 66% of TCKs came from missionary families, and 16% came from business families. After World War II, with the increase of international business and the rise of two international superpowers, the composition of international families changed. Sponsors are generally broken down into five categories: missionary (17%), business (16%), government (23%), military (30%), and “other” (14%).

I’ve got the double whammy too- I am a military dependent who lived significant years overseas. This means that home for me is found with people who have similar backgrounds, regardless of nationality – and not in a place. In essence, my passport country and the city I’m from, the place where I must live, doesn’t feel like home to me. And it will most likely never feel like home. In fact no place feels like home to me – certain people feel like home to me. While I would not trade my TCK status for anything, some days this makes me a little sad.

This also explains why I’ve always had international friends, why I’ve always been very observant and able to “fit in” wherever I’ve traveled, why my best friends now are scattered across the globe, why I love airports and maps, why I so loved my time living in Europe, why I like language and culture study and talk about it often and why some of my best experiences are when I find people who “speak my language”  and belong to “my tribe” of fellow nomads.

And now I live in a city where many of the people do not have anywhere near this sort of background. Well, at least those I’ve met – I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I’m going all Freudian here and asking myself, how can I learn to belong here if I don’t really belong anywhere? Or maybe because of my background I am actually capable of belonging just about everywhere if I put my TCK flexible adaptability to work.

As you can see, I’m spending a lot of time thinking about some of the shaping forces in my life and what they mean for me in the present. Should make for some interesting and introspective blogs in the future.  

Beyond The Water’s Edge

(Part 4 of the Culture series)

(I wrote this for my previous blog in July of 2006. Seemed like it fit within this series of posts, so I thought I would include it here.)

I’m an American. What does that mean? Well… I basically think the world is a good place and that it is full of opportunity. If one works hard enough, anything is possible. I think the things I want to buy should be inexpensive and of good quality. It think the stores I buy from should prioritize my business, staying open late with convenient parking and offering good customer service. I think patriotism is healthy and governments should exist to serve the people who elect them. I’ve cried during the playing of my national anthem. I expect the government to stay out of my business if I keep my head down and contribute to society. I think neighbors should help each other but not get too involved in each others affairs. I teach my kids that if they need help they should look for someone in a uniform. I don’t doubt that they will have more and better opportunities in life than I do. I think all people should have the freedom to speak, think and choose whatever kind of life they want. I also think they should accept responsibility for their choices. I have a great deal of respect for those who voluntarily choose to serve their country through military service because I know their sacrifice makes the life I live possible. I expect to see churches playing a vibrant role in their communities, with their voices being respected by most. I value innovation and creativity. I’m usually looking not to the past but to the future. I don’t understand all the rules to soccer and in all honesty, I prefer sports with more scoring. I think diversity is a good thing. I think people of different ethnic, religious and national heritage should be able to live side by side in peace and prosperity. I have a short memory and don’t hold a grudge for too long (i.e. I’ve forgiven the British for burning Washington D.C in 1814). I like small talk and think it’s ok to have a conversation with someone on the street that I don’t know and will probably never see again. I realize that it’s money, not love that makes the world go round. When watching a scary movie I’m usually sure that, no matter how bad the situation, small children and dogs will be safe. I sing showtunes. I’ve given to charity and I think generosity and compassion are high values, not weaknesses. I think I’m entitled to my opinion and expressing it when and where I want.

Now, what if everything in the previous paragraph is wrong? Or at least not true everywhere in the world? What if my experience, my expectations and my opinions are just that: mine, and not universally true? After living for a year outside of my home country I’m realizing that a lot of what I’ve grown up believing is true is actually preference. Not everyone agrees with me and I’m not always right. While I still stand by what I’ve written above, my eyes have been opened to the fact that the American point of view is not the only point of view. And to be the best Christian I can be I may have to be a little less American. Cross-cultural experiences, especially prolonged ones, have a way of shining light to the underbellies of our worldviews, exposing misunderstanding, error and arrogance.

So I understand that for many, the world is a scary place with much to fear. Customer service is optional, especially if I have few options. Historically, excessive patriotism has sometimes led to war. In many places, people exist to serve their governments they had no opportunity to choose. The sun doesn’t always come out tomorrow and many children in the world face a painful future. In most places, the military is a tool of oppression, not liberation. In Europe, most churches have lost their moral authority and are languishing in irrelevant silence. Sometimes tradition trumps innovation. I actually enjoyed the World Cup this last month, even though the championship was technically a tie. Other cultures, especially those that have suffered greatly, tend to focus on the past and have a justified deep distrust of their historical enemies. Small talk can be misconstrued as shallowness. Some people live in an idealistic rather than realistic world. This may come as a shock to most Americans, but, (with India being the major exception), most people think musicals are silly. And not everyone, in fact, most people, couldn’t care less what I think.

Reality is much harsher beyond the waters’ edge.

What I Love About Being American

(Part 3 of the Culture series)

(This is a two-part blog entry with its partner below. Please read them in context and hear the message behind the words. This isn’t about patriotism or politics. It is about a spiritual issue: that our nationality can be a spiritual trigger. )

I was asked a good question by a European recently: What do you love about being American? I really appreciated this question because no European had ever asked me that before, not in my 6 years of living overseas, not even when I had asked them what they loved about being German/European, etc.

The American culture is a patriotic one. We do love our country! There are many reasons why, but it could be because we are one of the few nations in the world that was founded almost completely by choice. People want to come here. In the past they took great risks, left all that was familiar, all for a new start in the new world. This wasn’t just where they were born and stuck. They were leaving something else that wasn’t working for them and beginning from scratch. America gave them that chance.

We don’t have a long legacy of the “That’s how it’s always been done,” mentality, so we tend to be inventors, entrepreneurs and innovators.

We don’t see barriers, we see opportunities.

We are a uniquely optimistic people who think any problem can be solved. We live pluralism, tolerance and freedom, where many regions of the world only talk and dream about it. Many Americans recognize the uniqueness of being American and rather than talk down about our nation, we love who we are.

I love that my daughter’s best friend is half-Venezuelan, half Persian and speaks 3 languages. I love that my son’s best school buddy is an African-American boy who was adopted by white parents. I love that my niece was born China and in my neighborhood there are Koreans, Russians, Hispanics, Egyptians, South Asians, Taiwanese, African-Americans and Caucasians. And all our kids play together really, really well. America is a place where all cultures come into contact and manage to live peaceably together.

I love that for the most part the only limits on achievement and accomplishment are how hard you want to work and the choices that you make for yourself.

I love that my people are among the most generous and friendly in the world. One of the recurring stories I have heard from Europeans is that they were taking a road trip in America and when their car broke down on the highway, someone stopped and helped them out. (They told me that would never happen in Europe.) I’ve heard that story a lot! This is so common here I don’t even think of it as being special or unusual.

For the Gospel, this means that Americans have a unique role in the world. We can be a haven for the oppressed and broken. We can be effective missionaries because we know how to jump cultural barriers, make friends easily and believe anything is possible, even when reality should tell us otherwise. We can see the future and innovate different church forms, worship music, business models to fund ministry, etc. We speak the English, the language of the world.

As an American, there is much to leverage for the advancement of the kingdom.

Challenges Of Being American

(Part 2 of the Culture series)

(This blog post is one side of a coin, the other side being the entry that follows. Both entries are meant to be read together. Please read it in context. This is not a political or patriotic statement, but a spiritual one.)

All cultures have things in them that, when channeled properly, are intended to be a blessing to others.  For Americans, this includes tremendous material blessings. Even our poor people have televisions, toilets and shoes. All peoples and all nations are supposed to be uniquely designed funnels that God can pour things through, so that they are a multiplied to others, not a bottleneck that blocks the flow.

And all cultures have things in them that make it harder to love God and others. Since I’m American, I can only write from my perspective, so here are some of the things that make it harder for Americans to fully embrace Christianity.

I’m writing this at Christmas time and I’m  seeing the worst of American culture. We love stuff. We define success by it. We fill our homes with it and in so doing, fill our hearts with it. We equate God’s approval with material blessing. We are immersed in commercialism and overwhelmed with advertisements that twist and shrivel our desires.

We begin to think the Gospel isn’t THE WAY God blesses us,  just another way. Our stomachs, hearts and hands are so full of trinkets and junk that we are not hungry in our spirits for the things of God. To see us on Black Friday must break the heart of God. There was no room for baby Jesus in the inn on Christmas Eve because it was full of people and there is no room for Jesus in our hearts today because we are full of lesser things.

Stuff can strangle us and keep us from finding His will for our lives. We can become so fearful of losing our stuff and comfort that we make decisions based on staying safe rather than on pursuing God first.

I had some friends (American) once tell me that there was no way a European could argue that their (European) lifestyle was superior to theirs (American). According to them, our homes were bigger, our bank accounts larger, etc. Another American ministry colleague told me once that a friend of his told him how he would choose to live in Europe over America any day. His friend loved the slower lifestyle. My collegue was shocked and thought his friend was absolutely crazy and foolish. He couldn’t comprehend that any one would ever voluntarily choose to live anywhere else besides America. I think his answer was significantly weighted by his love of college football. My heart was heavy after both conversations.

This part of my culture weighs on me heavily and I long to see Christ redeem it.

Why Nationality Is Important

(Part one of the Culture series)

Genesis 11:8-9 So the Lord scattered them from there over the whole earth, and they stopped building the city. That is why it was called Babel – because there the Lord confused the language of the whole world. From there the Lord scattered them over the face of the whole earth.

(About heaven) Revelation 21:24 The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it.

Revelation 21:26 The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it.

God loves the nations. He created them (Gen. 10:32) and sent them into the world. He called Abraham and used him to found the nation of Israel, through which He would bless all nations. (Gen. 12:1-3) Jesus will not return to judge the world till all nations have had a chance to hear the Gospel. (Matt. 24:14) He sent his disciples out to tell the world about the forgiveness of sins and how to be reconciled to God. (Matt. 28:19-20, Acts 1:8) Heaven is the ultimate multicultural celebration (Rev. 7:9) with all nations represented. And there is something so special to God about our nationality that we bring something of it into heaven with us. (Rev. 21:24, 26)

No doubt, we must lose something of our nationality as we grow in Christ. The scripture is clear that our citizenship is in heaven (Phil. 3:20) and that He has our highest loyalty. Each culture also has inherent weaknesses within it that make it more difficult for its people to relate to God. But there is something about the cultures we’ve created that brings glory to Him. That somehow, He transcends language, culture, history, socio-economic status, education levels and geographical location. The things that divide humans in this world will help unite us in the next as they bring praise to God. Only He could do something so beautiful.

With that knowledge, it seems to me that it’s important for believers now to learn languages, to travel and to know people of different nationalities. God isn’t white, suburban or American. English isn’t His first language. It’s an amazing experience the first time you hear another believer praying in their heart language and you realize that the same God you know and love, is the same God they know and love.

Our nationality is an important spiritual trigger for us. Some things about where we were born draw us nearer to the heart of God. They are meant to be a blessing to the other nations. They bring glory to God. At the same time, some things about where we were born are like millstones hung around our neck. Worse than that, they are like millstones hung around our necks that most people aren’t even aware of. In the next series of posts, I’d like to explore some of these ideas about culture and how it affects how we relate to God a bit further.