Jesus – He Is Killing Me (Jesus pt. 21)

Matt. 16:25 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

Is. 44:20 He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him; he cannot save himself, or say, “Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?”

Heb. 12:4  In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

Rom. 6:11 Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Luke 9:23 And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.

I think Jesus is out to kill me. Or at least do some serious damage. No, now that I think about it, He wants to kill me. Really.

I mean this in the best sense possible that is. I’ve seen Him orchestrate events in my life that have squeezed me till I couldn’t breathe. He’s taken things away from me that I’ve loved so dearly, I couldn’t imagine life with out them. He’s initiated seasons of suffering and sadness that made me question whether I really wanted to finish out this life – or just zone out zombie style and go through the motions till my heart stopped beating, because it already felt dead. I’ve endured Him prying my fingers off things I had a death grip on, ripping the lie out of my right hand; the idol I couldn’t acknowledge with my conscious thoughts, but which I worshipped functionally with my life. And it all hurt so much I thought I would die. Some days I wished I would die.

But in those moments of clarity, when He gives me a window into His purposes in my life, He shows me that all the killing is actually a great act of His love towards me. He is killing that within me that would destroy me. He is killing the sin, the falsely placed affections, the idolatry that leads my heart astray and leaves damage within and around me, the lazy habits that grease the sin-wheels in my life, the ruts I fall into that turn out to be graves with the ends kicked out.

He is like the paramedic who recognizes that someone’s heart is so wounded or has stopped altogether and death is imminent. So he takes powerful, painful electric shocks to that sick and dying heart in order to reset it. To save it from itself. I’m sure someone in the middle of heart failure, who has endured a defibrillator’s shock, would say, “Ow!” But then I think they would say, “Oh my God, thank you for saving my life!”

Sometimes the sanctification process in my life feels like that. Pain. And then gratitude when I realize just what that pain accomplished in my life. Healing from the irregular heartbeat. Freedom from the parasite of sin that was sucking the life out of me – and I never even knew it.

Death leads to life. The great paradox of following Jesus. This Easter season I am learning to embrace my own death. And I am so grateful for it.

What In The World Is My Problem Meets The Church Search : and both blog series mercifully end.

When I started this blog about 9 months ago one of the things I said I wanted to do was to allow my thoughts on a particular subject to arc over several entries. I’ve written about culture, nationalities, art, seasons, books and anything else that God has stirred in my heart. This summer and into the fall I’ve written two rather serious series in which I’ve written very honestly and personally concerning big things God is doing in my heart. They are about our search for  a new church home here in our new city and about the roots of some of my recurring personal issues. And I never really saw the two as being connected until now. So it is sort of comical to me that I can conclude both of those series now with the same entry.

By the time you will read this Jeff and I will have joined a local church and begun teaching a college student Sunday school class. There are too many details to really connect all the dots of how this has come together so here are the highlights.

1. Even though the church we are joining is more traditional than we thought we would end up at, it has become obvious to us that here is where God wants us to plant and serve, to raise our kids in a community that loves the Lord, His word and tries with genuine effort to live out the great command and great commission. It is actually quite a nice feeling to be somewhere instead of on the way.

2. The southern traditional church culture around here is just a culture – and as a missionary everywhere I go, I must learn to adapt and figure out ways to express my Christian faith in an authentic, yet culturally appropriate way. Of course part of my problem is that after living for years outside of this context, my first response to my home culture is contempt. Shame on me. I’ve got to find a way to be part of solutions here rather than part of the problem – just the same as if God had called me to live in Europe or Asia instead of suburban Atlanta.

3. Jeff and I have realized that we are better when we are serving together, when our lives are more intertwined ministry-wise rather than running parallel. By returning to teaching and shepherding together (which we’ve pretty much always done our entire married lives) with an age group we love, we are already more optimistic and energetic about our lives here.

4. God can’t steer a parked car. While we’ve needed a season of rest and recovery after a long hard year of disappointment and relocation, it is time to start moving. We’ve got to create opportunities in our lives for God to move, to change us, to use us. That means it is time for us to start moving again spiritually through service. Even if this opportunity isn’t the one we end up in, we are still trying something and giving God an opportunity to steer us. It wouldn’t surprise me if we end up doing this for years. It also wouldn’t surprise me if this opened the door for whatever the next opportunity is. Regardless, it just feels good to be moving again.

5. For me, it feels like something of this season of great transition, of unsettled unhappiness that is a typical by-product of many moves, is drawing to a close. I’m not saying I’m not still thinking about deep and challenging things. But the time where this move and the last year’s events are wrecking havoc in my spirit is almost over. Sort of like how a church bell gongs with great force the first few rings, and then gradually lessens as its inertia spends itself.

It appears that finding our church home is bringing resolution to some of my issues, which is sort of how I think God designed it to work. We need other people and we need to be in community. So this just might be a very logical way to bring closure to this particular season of life.

Random Life Lessons With Deanna pt. 4 – Pain Is Never Convenient

I think I broke my pinky toe the other day. I slammed it into a suitcase that I had left in a walk way. Totally my fault. And totally inconvenient.

My broken toe. Amazing how something so small makes such a big impact. The photo doesn't do the bruising justice, by the way.

It has swelled up and parts of it are turning lovely shades of purple and pink and grey. Nice.

If you keep up with this blog, you just read that I am in the middle of training (trying to train anyway) for a longer race in the next few months. This injury means more pain for me. And it comes at a very inconvenient time. But really, when is pain convenient? When do we ever have the emotional margin, extra time and energy to say, “Hey, now would be a great time for a crisis?”

I am learning that pain management and healing takes place in the spaces of my present life. Sometimes whatever my issue is demands a bit more than I was prepared to give it.  While I didn’t see a jammed toe coming, I am learning to intentionally create margins so that I have room to handle the unexpected. This means that now I need a bit more rest than I had planned. I’ll be experiencing a bit more pain than I would like. I’m finding that this whole thing really isn’t very convenient.

What a metaphor for what life throws at us.

So, how do I deal with injuries while the rest of my complicated life doesn’t stop? A broken toe is an interesting thing. Small as it is, it will not be denied. How I walk has been affected. It doesn’t really matter that now is not a good time, now is when I have to take care of it.  I must give it attention.

What is it in your life that isn’t convenient, but won’t be denied? How will you calendar the emotional and relational time to take care of it?

What In The World Is My Problem pt. 6 – I’m A Hater

(I’m not blogging from my happy place right now. Read with a grain of salt, and check back with me in a few days. I hope to have a serious attitude adjustment on the way.)

I hate living in the suburbs. No, really. I just got back from Costco. I hate it. I hate that my culture centers around consumption. And lots of consumption. I hate that my wonderfully comfortable big house, nestled away in a great neighborhood forces me to drive everywhere. I hate that all the nice things I own require more of my time and energy to maintain them. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate carpool line for the kids, which forces me to spend almost 2 hours a day in the car, not including any other errands I might have. I hate that the people of my nation, as a general rule, are so overweight, out of shape and spoiled that they are incapable of effectively channeling to others the blessings God has so richly poured out on them. I hate that the most meaningful conversations I was able to have during the week, not including my family and old friends, involve “Hey, how are ya and did your team win this past Saturday?”

I hate that I didn’t choose to live here, that I had a radically different plan for my life in mind and yet here I am. I hate that I wrestled with God about His will for my life and lost resoundingly.

As a result, I hate that my heart feels flat, like a full balloon that just got stomped on by someone in Doc Martins. I hate that I’m not overflowing with gratitude at the life God has given me, when I can clearly see that it is a good one with much potential and blessings in it. I hate that I spend so much time looking over the fence at how other people get to live their lives and wondering why that isn’t me. I hate that I feel like God is punishing me when I know that isn’t the case – at how lies I know aren’t true still grab hold of my weakened heart and roar through until I struggle to hear God speaking. I hate how I’ve responded to not getting my way and what it has revealed about my character, at how I can painfully see just how far I have to go in my journey towards spiritual maturity. I hate how I know I’ve got the choice to choose joy, to choose to make the most of the situation here and some days I can’t control the depth of hate I feel at being here. I hate that I find myself, in my really honest moments, using this word ‘hate’ so often. I would much rather be a chipper, bubbly, happy person and I hate that it seems so far out of reach some days.

I hate how this very honest (perhaps too honest) blog entry makes me look. Sort of like when you try on a dress and ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” And the honest answer is, “No, the dress doesn’t make you look fat. That would be your backside doing that.” If I were to ask,”Does this blog entry make me look like a spiritual train wreck?”, the honest answer would be, “No, Deanna,  that would be your heart.”

I know how I feel is the incorrect filter with which to view my situation. When I go to the Bible and review God’s truth: I know He loves me, has a good plan for me, that He knows what He is doing and that He will work all things out not just for my good, but for His glory, which, of course is the ultimate good. I know I’ve been blessed beyond measure materially and I’m not ungrateful for what I have and have been given. I also know I am right where I am supposed to be right now, that I am right in the middle of His will for my life. I know that the battle raging in my heart and spirit is actually bringing about much healing and greater intimacy with my God as He and I talk about some truly important things in my life. I know I am moving in God’s direction and not away from Him through all of this. And I am not always so unhappy – most of my days here are previews of great joy just around the corner.

I just hate that there is so much hate floating around in my heart right now. I hate how I have to struggle with such ferocity some days to hold the truth front and center in my life. I hate that sanctification is just so dang hard. I wish that letting God’s peace and contentment settle deep down in my soul were an easier proposition, and not such a battle that fuels such emotion in my heart. Yeah, I just wish I weren’t such a hater.

What In The World Is My Problem pt 3 – I’ve got a messed up prayer life stemming from a messed up internal monologue.

Here is a rough transcript of a prayer time I had while weeping, walking on the local university campus near our home. I share this because surely, I am not the only one with this messed up internal monologue. I know it is personal and I know it is embarrassing. I know it isn’t accurate and reveals some deep spiritual battles I am presently waging. Still, I am compelled to write it out here as a record of an important spiritual event in my life. And don’t worry, God is dealing with me about the content. Please read gently. I’m putting my heart out here.

Oh God, (weeping) please let many of these students come to know and love You, help them to fall in love with You so that they center all of their lives around You. And if You would, let Jeff and I be one of the ones who introduce them to You. (I pray this with my kids every time we walk or drive through campus.) I want to see amazing things happen here, where thousands of students have the joy of becoming passionate and fully devoted followers of You early in their lives. That this place might be the beginning of a great movement of young people with a heart for spiritual depth and maturity, where investing in intentional relationships with each other is just in the dna of the culture of Christians on this campus. I pray that You would then use them to change the world as they leave here and go wherever You lead them. Oh how I want to be a part of bringing this to pass.

And even if You don’t use me, and You don’t have to, use anyone You want to bring this about, please. And honestly, I can understand why You wouldn’t want to use me and I wouldn’t blame You if You didn’t. (More tears.) It is ok with me if Your plans for me don’t involve…well, very much. I don’t want to think more of myself than You do. And I don’t even know why you would choose to use someone like me. (You can see the direction this train of thought is heading down. Very David-ish, where in one sentence he is passionately praising God and the next, weeping uncontrollably.)

But the desire in my heart is so strong to be used by You, to do this work, to be a part of what You are doing, to use the gifts You’ve given me for something just like this. I think You’ve wired me for this. Everything in my life up till now confirms this. All the counsel I have received from others confirms this. I think I could be excused for thinking You want me to do this type of ministry. And I have to think that desire to lead students to a growing relationship with You is from You. Why on earth would I be wanting that on my own?

Yet, maybe it is my pride, that I’m wanting to work for You more than I’m wanting You to just have Your way on this campus. Maybe I want to work for You more than I just want You. If that is the case, please stop me from going to far down this road. If that is the case, I’m so sorry.

Oh God, please don’t let me be dreaming the wrong dream, to be wanting something for myself that You don’t want for me. I just don’t think I can take another heart break and the accompanying disappointment (more tears) of wanting something so badly – and it isn’t what You want for me at all. If I’m dreaming the wrong dream, please, please stop it now before I waste any more time, energy and affection on the wrong thing. Please, just show me what You want for me, even if it is small and out of the way of the main stream of what You want to do here in this area. I’d be ok with that, if You would just help me not to get in Your way. (Again, this lie of my smallness, how He must not really love me very much and my completely understanding why He wouldn’t love me very much pops up…)

But if what You want for me is small, and is out of the way, would You please stop me from having these big dreams, these big desires of the things I think You want me to do? Because my heart just isn’t big enough to hold all these big dreams if they actually belong to someone else. The tension of wanting to be used by You, pulled by the possibility of You not wanting to use me at all isn’t just stretching me. It is killing me.

So I guess my bottom line request, and You don’t even have to answer me if You don’t want to…is that if You don’t want to use me, please just let me know so I can get on with keeping my head down and living a life that harms Your work and others as little as possible. I promise to do my best learning to embrace the mediocrity You might be calling me to.

But if You might even consider using me for something here, to tell students about You, to lead them into a growing, vibrant relationship with You, to teach them to center their lives, marriages, careers, finances etc around You, then would you please show me that before too long. Because (as my thought life shows) I’m dying here.

What In The World Is My Problem pt 2 – Backwards or Full Circle?

As I’ve been thinking about what my problem is, (This is part 2 in a series. Click here for pt one.) about why I’m such a mess right now in this season of life, I can’t help but think I’m going backwards. I’ve moved back to the city I lived in almost 17 years ago, near where my family lives now. Honestly, it wasn’t the move I wanted to make. I wanted to move far, far away to a different adventure, one of my choosing. Yet here I am. Back in a place and house I never wanted to return to. Not because this is such a bad place. It is actually quite nice with a lot to offer and I’m very grateful to be here. It just wasn’t what I had planned.

It’s just that I can’t help but feel some days like I’m moving backwards. In my mind, I always saw the trajectory of my life shooting me farther and farther away from where I came from. I am not the same person I was so many years ago. I don’t want the same things I used to. And if you’d asked me a few years ago where I thought I’d be at 40 something years old, where I am now was no where on that list. Yet here I am.

So I’m having to think through this question, “Am I moving backwards? Or is this moving full circle?” It is one thing to become the person God wants you to be in the environment of your choosing. It is another to carry Christ with your very body to those places that challenge you to the core, where you would rather some one else go. Sometimes the way forward is actually backwards for a season. And there can be great beauty in a story that actually concludes where it begins, rather than just ending somewhere else.

Maybe God is telling me that it is time for me to stop moving away and to start letting Him move – in to places in my heart I’d rather just keep closed. Maybe the only way to open those doors to those innermost places of my heart is to stop my body from moving for a while. To plant myself in those places where my heart does really odd, funny things, like it used to when I was younger, wounded, immature and an even bigger mess than I am right now. When we can both see those odd, funny things together, God and I can work together to clean up the mess that maybe, I was trying to run away from.

I guess part of the difference between the mess I was then and the mess I am now is that back then, I was a clueless mess. I had no idea just what a huge mess I was and just how desperately I needed God’s help. Now, I am clearly aware of my messiness and all that means for me. And oh, how I need Him! I’m starting to realize that here, in this present place, I need Him more than I ever have. I can see how God just might want to use my neediness, my problem if you will, for my good. To give me more of Him, which of course would solve my problem.

And maybe, just maybe, in a few years, I’ll see how this full circle thing was one of the best things to ever happen to me.