What In The World Is My Problem pt. 6 – I’m A Hater

(I’m not blogging from my happy place right now. Read with a grain of salt, and check back with me in a few days. I hope to have a serious attitude adjustment on the way.)

I hate living in the suburbs. No, really. I just got back from Costco. I hate it. I hate that my culture centers around consumption. And lots of consumption. I hate that my wonderfully comfortable big house, nestled away in a great neighborhood forces me to drive everywhere. I hate that all the nice things I own require more of my time and energy to maintain them. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate carpool line for the kids, which forces me to spend almost 2 hours a day in the car, not including any other errands I might have. I hate that the people of my nation, as a general rule, are so overweight, out of shape and spoiled that they are incapable of effectively channeling to others the blessings God has so richly poured out on them. I hate that the most meaningful conversations I was able to have during the week, not including my family and old friends, involve “Hey, how are ya and did your team win this past Saturday?”

I hate that I didn’t choose to live here, that I had a radically different plan for my life in mind and yet here I am. I hate that I wrestled with God about His will for my life and lost resoundingly.

As a result, I hate that my heart feels flat, like a full balloon that just got stomped on by someone in Doc Martins. I hate that I’m not overflowing with gratitude at the life God has given me, when I can clearly see that it is a good one with much potential and blessings in it. I hate that I spend so much time looking over the fence at how other people get to live their lives and wondering why that isn’t me. I hate that I feel like God is punishing me when I know that isn’t the case – at how lies I know aren’t true still grab hold of my weakened heart and roar through until I struggle to hear God speaking. I hate how I’ve responded to not getting my way and what it has revealed about my character, at how I can painfully see just how far I have to go in my journey towards spiritual maturity. I hate how I know I’ve got the choice to choose joy, to choose to make the most of the situation here and some days I can’t control the depth of hate I feel at being here. I hate that I find myself, in my really honest moments, using this word ‘hate’ so often. I would much rather be a chipper, bubbly, happy person and I hate that it seems so far out of reach some days.

I hate how this very honest (perhaps too honest) blog entry makes me look. Sort of like when you try on a dress and ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” And the honest answer is, “No, the dress doesn’t make you look fat. That would be your backside doing that.” If I were to ask,”Does this blog entry make me look like a spiritual train wreck?”, the honest answer would be, “No, Deanna,  that would be your heart.”

I know how I feel is the incorrect filter with which to view my situation. When I go to the Bible and review God’s truth: I know He loves me, has a good plan for me, that He knows what He is doing and that He will work all things out not just for my good, but for His glory, which, of course is the ultimate good. I know I’ve been blessed beyond measure materially and I’m not ungrateful for what I have and have been given. I also know I am right where I am supposed to be right now, that I am right in the middle of His will for my life. I know that the battle raging in my heart and spirit is actually bringing about much healing and greater intimacy with my God as He and I talk about some truly important things in my life. I know I am moving in God’s direction and not away from Him through all of this. And I am not always so unhappy – most of my days here are previews of great joy just around the corner.

I just hate that there is so much hate floating around in my heart right now. I hate how I have to struggle with such ferocity some days to hold the truth front and center in my life. I hate that sanctification is just so dang hard. I wish that letting God’s peace and contentment settle deep down in my soul were an easier proposition, and not such a battle that fuels such emotion in my heart. Yeah, I just wish I weren’t such a hater.

What In The World Is My Problem pt. 5 – Energy Management

If you’ve been following this series, I’m blogging about my problem(s) – not the day to day things that cause headaches or irritations or inconveniences. No, I’m blogging about some of those deeply seated things, those heart things that gnaw and dig and recur to the point that they are almost a part of who I am. Using a spiritual vocabulary, these would be some of my ‘besetting sins‘. They are the challenges that have somehow become ingrained as a part of my very attitudnal DNA. They are bigger than things like, “I run late alot”, or “I make an irritating clicking noise with my tongue when I am nervous.” They are a part of who I am and they chronically cause me great pain.

But I don’t want them to be a part of who I am!  I’ve discovered that the surest way to address those things in the heart that hide, fester and damage is to open them to the light. Since I need to get a good look at what is going on in there so God and I can begin to really work on them together, I’m venting them here. And since I know my blog is a relatively private place:), I’m pretty sure my thoughts are safe here. If you are into train wrecks, feel free to review my personal issues in previous entries here, here, here and here). If not, let me continue…

Maybe I’m getting older and my body just doesn’t recover as fast as it used to. Maybe there has been a confluence of crises in my life that has forced this to the surface. Maybe this issue has been building steam in my life over the last very busy, very stressful and rather unhappy year. Either way, I’m learning a very valuable life lesson right now. I’ve got to learn to conserve my energy.

I have an energy management problem – and I’m not talking about turning off the lights or doing less laundry. I’m talking about how I pace myself. I’m talking about the schedule I keep and the way I let my calendar treat my body. One of the things I’ve got to learn to do better is to pace myself and to create bigger rest margins in my life.

My general pattern is to go, go, go …until I can’t go anymore. The take a nap and go some more. Evidently I’ve got a pretty big supply of adrenaline that I can tap into rather easily. And that used to work for me. But it isn’t working anymore. Now I go, go, go…until I literally can’t go anymore. And then I crash, get sick, enter a spiritual crisis, flirt with depression, run the risk of wounding my family, etc. 

Let me preface this by saying I know I can’t always control what happens in my life. Some seasons are just busy and there really isn’t anything more I can do about it than go into management mode. But on the other hand, I also know I sometimes create seasons of busyness. I over plan, not paying attention to what other people in my family have going on. I don’t say no to some things I should. I give in to pride, thinking that I can manage what I’ve seen conquer other people.

Exhaustion resulting from poor planning doesn’t honor God. Self-inflicted wounds from too much busyness or a lack discipline to rest and recharge isn’t selflessness or something to be proud of. It is a sin. I am failing to take care of what God has entrusted to me. As I get older, more people depend on me to be healthy and able to serve. If it strengthens me in the long run, it can be great act of love when I take that nap, chill out on a weekend, sit on the couch and watch episodes of Swamp People while eating lots of popcorn with my hubby or choose to read a book for pleasure just because I want to.

Managing my energy level has moved beyond just something that is good to do. It is now in to the realm of a mandatory spiritual discipline.

What In The World Is My Problem? pt 4 – I’m A Liar

(This is part 4 in a gut–wrenchingly honest series where I’m pondering why I am such a mess.)

James 1:23-24 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 

Pr. 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

Col. 3:9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off the old self with its practices.

Part of my problem is that I am a liar. A good one too. Let me prove it to you.

Ask me, “How are you doing?” I’ll probably answer, “Good. Great. Couldn’t be better.” Even when it isn’t true.

Now I know that often when I’m asked that question, it really isn’t a question but a greeting. I know that it isn’t always appropriate to spill my guts to complete strangers, or even to those who maybe aren’t safe or close enough to me to have earned the front row seat to my deepest thoughts and feelings.  I don’t want to be that person we are all afraid to see coming because they totally don’t get appropriate boundaries of polite conversation, or have a terrible sense of conversational timing or because they feel ok dumping on others what frankly should be kept private. What I’m talking about is, when the situation is appropriate, when the relationship is strong enough, when the asker is sincere and safe and when talking about it might be a good thing – and I still choose to hide.

Why do I do that? Why do I choose to consciously lie when I shouldn’t? And I know I’m not alone here. Many of us consciously choose to keep stuff inside through a well-placed lie when they don’t have to or shouldn’t. Why?

Maybe it’s pride – I don’t want to admit a weakness to another person who just might be impressed with me. Until I spill my guts that is.

Maybe it is fear – If I really take the time to think about what is going on in my heart – what I find just might really scare me. Sometimes ignorance is much safer.

Maybe it is laziness – Sometimes it is so much easier to just put some conversations off till I have more energy, more time, more motivation, more whatever…but honestly, when does putting things off ever really help?

Maybe it is control – Perhaps I’m afraid of what will happen when all that darkness gets out of me, out from where I can micro-manage it.

Whatever it is, it isn’t healthy. So, what to do about it?

Everyone needs a trusted friend. I had a friend speak some of the kindest words to me recently. She said, “Deanna, you can travel the world and teach the Bible and do all those things that you do, but then you can always come home and crash on my couch.” She was telling me that with her, it was ok to just be whoever I am, no show, no expectations, no covering anything up. I almost cried.

Everyone needs an ethic of brutal honesty about themselves. We need to be able to look in the mirror with no fear. And I’m not talking about the piece of glass hanging in your bathroom. Think about this. Would you ever leave your house in the morning without first looking in the mirror to make sure your hair, makeup and clothes are all in order? No one wants to have toilet paper stuck to their shoe or tuck their shirt into their underwear for the world to see. That wouldn’t happen because you are more afraid of leaving the house a mess than you are of seeing whatever the problem is with your appearance. But don’t we ignore spiritual mirrors, those places, conversations and opportunities to really get a good look at the condition of our hearts and souls? And we often have no problem leaving our house with our spiritual condition being a complete mess because we are afraid of accurately seeing the cold hard truth. (But FYI – seeing the cold hard truth is the first step to fixing the problem.)

Develop the habit of asking really good questions of your friends and asking them to do the same for you. Wouldn’t it be great if as believers, as friends, we made it a habit of asking one another, “So, really, how are you doing?” And then waited for the answer, really listening and asking follow up questions so they could get it all out?

I’d be a much healthier, happier person if I weren’t such a good liar.

What In The World Is My Problem pt 2 – Backwards or Full Circle?

As I’ve been thinking about what my problem is, (This is part 2 in a series. Click here for pt one.) about why I’m such a mess right now in this season of life, I can’t help but think I’m going backwards. I’ve moved back to the city I lived in almost 17 years ago, near where my family lives now. Honestly, it wasn’t the move I wanted to make. I wanted to move far, far away to a different adventure, one of my choosing. Yet here I am. Back in a place and house I never wanted to return to. Not because this is such a bad place. It is actually quite nice with a lot to offer and I’m very grateful to be here. It just wasn’t what I had planned.

It’s just that I can’t help but feel some days like I’m moving backwards. In my mind, I always saw the trajectory of my life shooting me farther and farther away from where I came from. I am not the same person I was so many years ago. I don’t want the same things I used to. And if you’d asked me a few years ago where I thought I’d be at 40 something years old, where I am now was no where on that list. Yet here I am.

So I’m having to think through this question, “Am I moving backwards? Or is this moving full circle?” It is one thing to become the person God wants you to be in the environment of your choosing. It is another to carry Christ with your very body to those places that challenge you to the core, where you would rather some one else go. Sometimes the way forward is actually backwards for a season. And there can be great beauty in a story that actually concludes where it begins, rather than just ending somewhere else.

Maybe God is telling me that it is time for me to stop moving away and to start letting Him move – in to places in my heart I’d rather just keep closed. Maybe the only way to open those doors to those innermost places of my heart is to stop my body from moving for a while. To plant myself in those places where my heart does really odd, funny things, like it used to when I was younger, wounded, immature and an even bigger mess than I am right now. When we can both see those odd, funny things together, God and I can work together to clean up the mess that maybe, I was trying to run away from.

I guess part of the difference between the mess I was then and the mess I am now is that back then, I was a clueless mess. I had no idea just what a huge mess I was and just how desperately I needed God’s help. Now, I am clearly aware of my messiness and all that means for me. And oh, how I need Him! I’m starting to realize that here, in this present place, I need Him more than I ever have. I can see how God just might want to use my neediness, my problem if you will, for my good. To give me more of Him, which of course would solve my problem.

And maybe, just maybe, in a few years, I’ll see how this full circle thing was one of the best things to ever happen to me.

What In The World Is My Problem? pt. 1 – I’m New

I’ve been asking myself recently, “What in the world is my problem?” Where to start, really. I’m a big hot boiling cauldron of neurosis, insecurities, life stressors and conflicting emotions – and have been for years. In short, I’m a mess. Which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows me… But right now, in this season of life, I’ve taken my messiness to whole new levels, atmospheric levels even. And I’ve been spending some time trying to figure out why.

One reason is that I am experiencing the really common phenomenon of being new. I live in a new house. A new city. The kids are in new schools. We are trying to find a new church. I’ve got to shop at new stores in new locations, drive new streets, develop new rhythms and routines for our family as we all cope with our collective newness. Every day there is something new to learn, to figure out, to accomplish. And everyday I feel like I’m walking upstream in hip deep cold water.

Today’s challenge was dropping my daughter off at her new school. Evidently there is a set way to drive in and drive out. Evidently everyone else knows exactly what that set way is. Evidently there is a big communication gap between those who know what is going on and those who are new.

This week I had to navigate a whole new system of getting my kids checked in to their new church activities. And evidently no one has really given any thought to making the process easier for those who are new and don’t know what is going on.

With all three kids in three different schools we are having to try and learn three different styles of schooling, adapt to three different time schedules, figure out three different parental expectations on what I’m supposed to be doing as the supportive and involved mom…

And I’m just really tired of all the newness. Oh, I thrive on change. I love a challenge. I know there is concentrated energy around something that is new and shiny. And those who know me know that I would move again tomorrow if God gave the green light. But after so many months of this, especially a lot of newness I didn’t ask for, want or appreciate, I’m just tired.

So I’m going to go now and try to organize my office. Maybe paint some window trim. Maybe fold some laundry and try to bring order to the chaos that is our living situation. And I know that if I keep on plugging away at it and don’t quit, one day it won’t be so new.