Reflections On Truths Learned This Past Year

The year 2011 broke my life in two, with a distinct before and after. Frankly, I’m just glad to still be here, standing and breathing. There have been days I wasn’t so sure that would happen. And some days the haze of uncertainty and fear lingers. So I wanted to take a moment and reflect, to summarize something of what I’ve learned through it all.

What's that? God calling? I'll take it in here...and I'll probably be a while...

Jesus has been incredibly faithful to lead me to all sorts of places with Him I never would have chosen to go on my own. And ‘grateful’ isn’t even the right word to use to describe how I feel about it. But since it is all I have at this point, it is what I’ll use.

So, in an effort to capture something of my gratitude, here are some of the realizations and truths that have become a part of my soul in this last year:

1. My heart is a bigger mess than I ever thought. As Jesus and I have been walking around its corridors and exploring its depths, what I am finding has been both horrifying and a relief. The depth of my messiness, of my sin and its consequences has been overwhelming at times. But as the chips have fallen, I realize I really do love Him. There have been days when I’ve completely lost my balance, yet I’ve consistently fallen in His direction – and the ground where He stands is solid. So I am a mess. But at least I know now I am more fully His mess. And another thing I’m learning first hand is that redeeming messes is one of His specialties.

2. As big a mess as my heart is, that is what He really wants. That I’ve known this truth, even taught it over the years and still missed it in my own life…I am ashamed. Jesus doesn’t want my works. He doesn’t want my words. (Although of course, at some point and level He expects my works and words.) He first and foremost wants my heart. He wants my love and affection. He wants my life pointed in His direction because that is the direction I want to go, not because I’m afraid of going in the other direction. He wants to renew, restore and rebuild me from the inside out, not teach me to conform to a cultural standard that looks pretty on the outside but is rotten on the inside. Learning to move my spirituality more fully to the realm of the heart has been a huge shift for me this year. A frustrating one because no one sees it but Him and me…and a painful one because it is so much work…but a rewarding one because of how it makes the ground beneath my feet more solid.

3. If all I ever am is His, it is enough. Without realizing it and while simultaneously knowing in my head the opposite is true, I’ve established a pattern of relating to Him through what I do. As innocently as it started and as good as my motives have been at times, I’ve been trying to prove myself to Him, to earn His favor and to subtly keep Him distant by setting up our relationship within a business context. I do this, therefore He does that.  It is taking a season of not working for Him to re-set this truth deep in my heart – that He loves me just for me. Not for what I do or accomplish. My greatest goal and deepest desire is to be His – more fully, more intimately, more deeply. And if that is all I ever accomplish in my life, it is not only ok, it is wonderful.

4. He sets the agenda, I don’t. Yes, I knew this before this year, but I think I can look back and see that functionally, I came to Him wanting to pick and choose how I serve and relate to Him. And He has absolutely refused to play along. He has reasserted His authority in my life to set the agenda of what we talk about, how we relate, the speed with which we move and everything else about my relationship with Him. He has called me to repentance and to a season of learning just to walk alongside Him wherever He goes. To listen. To ask questions. To follow. It has been so refreshing in its restfulness. I make a terrible god. Yet He does it so effortlessly.

Funny how, at one of the high points of my year, a trip to Europe to teach, minister, network and even hike for an afternoon in the Alps, there was a storm brewing in the background.

5. For someone whose life’s work revolves around people, I have terrible people skills. In fact, recently I floated the idea in my heart that I am done with friendship. (Material for a later post) I know that really isn’t an option…and I’m sure I don’t really mean it…and I know how I feel in a few months will be different from how I feel about it now…and I really do have the friends I’ll have for the rest of my life and they are wonderful…and  I know part of what this season is about is me learning to truly make Jesus my best friend (and not the cheesy Sunday School version of this)…but that I’ve so struggled over the years with what should be the most basic of human functions has worried me a bit. And I find it pathetic that I’m as old as I am and still trying to figure how to relate to others well.

6. My internal monologue needs a lot of work. On the positive side, I am learning to embrace my honest, brutally honest, excruciatingly honest internal monologue – and out of it two great things are emerging. First, I am learning quite a bit about myself; where I am wounded, where I am gifted and something of where I will go in the future. And second Jesus and I have had so many amazing faith-confirming and encouraging conversations; where He has actually spoken into my greatest doubts, struggles and pain, where I’ve gotten satisfying answers to those things that have kept me from truly engaging Him with depth. I guess you could say my internal monologue, unhealthy as it is, has actually been a very healthy thing for my spirit this year. It has driven and led me to more of Jesus and greater intimacy with Him. But the thoughts that still just randomly pop into my head…lets just say some days I am concerned about where this stuff comes from. And I hate that so often it is the soundtrack that plays behind much of my life.

7. Jesus is…well, He is more than I ever thought. I thought quite a bit of Him before this year began and He and I certainly weren’t strangers then. Yet…I am continually surprised at the paths He chooses to lead me down. Not linear. Not expected. Glacial and circuitous. Jesus has caused me greater pain than I thought I could endure, yet brought healing I never knew I needed. He has forced me to learn to engage Him on His terms, to repent of deeply ingrained things, to redefine so much of my life…and still…it has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. He has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And I hope and pray I never get over this…this year that almost killed me. Jesus still has me moving in His direction…and that means there just might be hope for me in 2012 yet.

Random Life Lessons With Deanna pt. 1 – Fasting Is Good

Life goes in seasons. We all know this. It circles around different activities, relationships, projects, etc. When we are in tune with and lean into these seasons, our lives generally experience less turbulence – like when we walk with the wind instead of against it.

I just finished a season where I had lots of visitors staying in our house. It has been great! These are dear friends I don’t get to see very often, so pretty much everything else in our lives stopped while we captured all the memories and experiences of this time. And since I’m from the south, that has meant food. Lots of it – and special varieties of it that you only make when company comes over. You know what I am talking about. This season of life for me has meant celebration and enjoyment of the things God has made – friendship, flavors, the feeling of a pleasantly full stomach and then a cup of good coffee on top of that. These moments point us to the Creator of these moments, so I’m pretty sure they please God when we enjoy them.

So now that everyone has gone home and we shift back into our routines around here, I need to enter a season where I make sure that this pattern of indulgence doesn’t become the norm. It would be easy to think that every meal needs to be a big one, every activity punctuated by food, by moving slow and the pursuit of enjoyment. Centering one’s life around satisfying desires and appetites is a dangerous place to live. Therefore, that means that I need a season of fasting and a focus on discipline.

One of my random life lessons over the last year or so is that fasting really isn’t about food. It is about discipline, about mastering the desires, whatever they are, that would master you. It is about exercising self-control over your body. And I’ve found that those lessons carry over into many other areas of my life. Since appetites grow when I feed them and have a way of demanding control over me the larger they get, I need to make sure they know who’s boss. That means that now I need a season of fasting.

And by fasting, I don’t just mean just abstaining from food (although I do most certainly mean that!). I’m talking about abstaining from whatever it is that, while I can enjoy it in another season, I must control it in this one. I must consciously make certain decisions regarding what I choose to intake in a way that I can be looser with at other times. So deliberately choosing to miss a few meals, or consciously saying no to Chick Fila or that chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream at 11pm (although it was awfully tasty while company was here:), or drinking water instead of a soda, or going running instead of watching tv, or going outside instead of sitting on the couch – sometimes these are really great spiritual exercises that bring a vitality to my soul.

I’ve found that fasting can act like a reset button on my desires, returning me to the ‘mastery position’ instead of the ‘being mastered’ position that could result from a season of enjoyment. Life is about rhythm and working with the seasons God has given us. While certainly not fun, fasting, in its time, place and context, is very good.

Seasons Of Music

(Part 9 of the Seasons series)

During different seasons of my life, certain songs lodged in my heart, giving expression to gut-level emotions for me. I guess when words fail, music steps in. Here are some of the songs that are more than songs for me but representative of whole periods of my life.

Let Everything That Has Breath by Matt Redman

This song was a positive expression of my heart during a very negative  and painful time. It led me to refocus my heart in an upward direction when all that was in me was going down.

Breathe – Vinyard

This song has been covered so many times it has lost its impact. This is the original, starkly arranged and raw in its emotion. If you listen to it giving it your full attention, you can feel how powerful it is as a heart cry. This song came to me at a time when I had to decide if I really wanted to follow God, and if I really wanted all that would come with that. As I used the words to worship, something in my heart shifted as I realized I was indeed ‘desperate’ for Him.

Forever Reign by Hillsong - They’ve disabled embedding so you’ll have to click here to hear it, but this is the song right now that moves me. “You are more, you are more than my words will ever say…” Sometimes I just feel like that.

The Desert Song – Hillsong United

This song is a great example of what happens when a compelling melody line combines perfectly with the lyrics. Also, knowing the background of one of the song leaders makes this particular video a powerful expression of worship. Click here to hear the story. I just love this song!

A Season of Sowing

There just isn't much prettier than Georgia in the spring time.

(Pt. 1 of the Season series)

Pr. 20:4 A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.

Gal. 6:7b A man reaps what he sows

After reading this Sunday’s blog, my eye was drawn back to Pr. 20:4, which I put at the top of this page. The idea I wanted to discuss in that previous entry had to do with slothfulness – when we let our flesh or our laziness dictate how we live our lives. Upon this reading however, I was drawn to the idea of seasons.

I’m pretty sure the author wasn’t only addressing farming technique with this verse. He was saying something about how our lives work. Just like the earth moves through different seasons, with very different things happening at different times of the year, so my life works also. Spring is about planting for what we want to harvest in the fall. And there are times and seasons in my life that are very spring-like, where I need to be about sowing things that I want to reap in the future. What do I want to see and experience in the coming years?

I want my marriage to grow in trust, intimacy and joy as Jeff and I age together. What do I need to do sow into our relationship now in order to see that outcome in the future? (I need to be at home, spending time with him face to face, actually talking about the things that build trust, intimacy and joy.)

I want my children to love Jesus and have lives that bear the fruit of walking well with Him. What can I sow into their lives right now in order to set them up for success later? (Deut. 6:5-8 Live it out myself in front of them, talk about scripture and the things of God throughout all of our life experiences. Teach them what this looks like in their own lives. )

Aaahh...azaleas. A sure sign that it is springtime around here. Time to plant for the fall.

I want to do and accomplish great things for the kingdom of God, being a part of working with Him to push back the darkness in people’s lives and across the globe. What are some things I need to sow into my own life to prepare and to become more useable so that when God looks at me, He has lots of options in how He chooses to use me? (Read and ingest scripture in such a way that it becomes a part of my very being. Gain skills, experiences, strategic relationships and godly character, becoming an effective tool in His hands.)

Every person goes through seasons where there is intentional sowing and preparation for what is coming. Sometimes, it is spring. What is the future I want to see happen in my life? What is one thing that needs to happen today in order to make that future possible?