The Danger Of…an undisciplined tongue

(The Danger series, pt. 5)

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 11:12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.

Proverbs 17:28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

James 3:3-5 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.  Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.

Back in my teaching days, one particular pre-planning time stands out. The administration brought in an etiquette expert to talk with us. I was about to roll my eyes until she opened her mouth and said, “Manners are a way, not only to show respect to another, but to provide a framework so people know how to interact with each other.” She had my attention now. I had traveled enough overseas to know the awkwardness of greeting someone else when you don’t know the rules. Do we shake hands? With one or two hands? Can a woman shake a man’s hand? Do I look them in the eye? Is a hug or peck on the cheek expected? In some cultures, there is even a whole other set of pronouns that are used in more formal settings. When to use those? And one thing I learned about middle schoolers during my time in the teenage wasteland is this – they are incredibly socially awkward and have no idea about proper interaction with adults. Or each other.

Our speaker’s point was that we as the adults set the tone and teach our students more than just our subject matter, but  also how to socially interact. She laid down a challenge that I readily accepted. For 30 days she wanted us to greet our students at the door, calling their name warmly and shaking their hand.

I got a lot out of that month. I could write about the power of giving someone my undivided attention, personal touch or taking the initiative in greeting someone else. I could write about how, after the experience, it was impossible for me to  view my class collectively, now that I had consciously interacted with each student as an individual. Perhaps the greatest lesson however, was feeling the power of my words. I saw young people blossom at just hearing their name spoken out loud. When I said a heartfelt “Good morning___________”, I could tell that for many of them, this was their first positive interaction with someone for the day. For some, it was the first time that day they heard their name called aloud. How I greeted them changed their countenance and often their body posture. It certainly changed what went on in my classroom and affection I had for my students.

The experience really drove home the point that I hold the power in my hands, in my tongue really, to say something that can either bless or hurt. Every person can remember something positive a teacher said to them, no matter how long ago. Every person can remember something negative a teacher said to them, no matter how long ago. Knowing how powerful our words can be, knowing they can lodge in someone else’s heart for the rest of their lives, knowing they can change so much about the quality of our relationships and how another person makes it through the day, shouldn’t we give some thought to what and how we speak?

Realizing just how powerful my words can be, self-discipline becomes very, very important. I don’t have the luxury of giving full vent to my feelings without thinking of the consequences, of how they will land on another’s heart. I have to learn to discipline my tongue. Careless, undisciplined words are like stray bullets. We’ve all been hit and hurt by them before. We’ve all said things,  in an unguarded moment that we wish we could take back. But we can never take back our words. We can apologize, contextualize and rationalize, but we can’t undo what we’ve said.

So, I know how to discipline my body or my appetites. I know how to be disciplined in my study habits. I can even discipline myself to drive the speed limit or clean my house when I’d rather be doing anything else. How do I discipline my tongue? What an important question for Christ-followers!

Word Geeking and Song Lyrics

I admit it…I’m a word geek. Let me rephrase, I love words that, when strung together just right, maybe with a bit of cheek, say something profound or at least more than just what’s on the surface.

Clever word play can be found in all sorts of places, but I especially like song lyrics. Granted, most pop songs today will not be remembered as great literature. But every once in a while, a turn of phrase comes along catches my attention.

Here are a few examples:

My favorite adult love song ever is  Out Of The Grey’s So We Never Got To Paris. When I say adult, I mean for married adults and not x-rated or for teenagers with no concept of a committed, lifetime relationship. It is about a couple who dream of going to Paris and Venice, thinking that they’ll find what they are looking for somewhere other than where they are. Paris is the metaphor for the life you think you want, what you think you need in order to be happy.  The reality is that life happened while they were making other plans. Isn’t that the truth? They found their normal everyday life together to be so much better than a romantic ideal.

The line, “So we never got to Paris and found the cafe of our dreams, but our table holds a whole world of memories,” is perhaps one of my all-time favorite song lyrics. I’ve traveled around the world and still agree that my kitchen table is where my most special memories are made.

You might have missed this little pop gem, but Jessica Riddle’s Even Angels Fall contains a pretty accurate summary of marriage. “It’s the secret, no one tells. One day it’s heaven, one day it’s hell. It’s no fairy tale. Take it from me. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.” Our culture programs us to find a partner, fall in love and live happily ever after. The lie that’s pushed on us from childhood on is that we “fall in” love and that a relationship just happens. The reality is that it takes a lot of works to build and maintain a healthy marriage relationship. Being married, if you do it right,  basically means agreeing to not be happy all the time, to not leaving when you don’t get everything you want. But there is joy to be found  in every aspect of a relationship, walking through it all together and staying faithful, even when it isn’t easy. It was a bit refreshing for me to hear a relationship song that wasn’t all roses.

Pink’s Raise Your Glass. (Warning – profanity! And I’m not linking to the actual video because it contains more than a bit of provocative and controversial imagery.) Only an American could have written or sung this song. Why? It’s about “being wrong in all the right ways”. It’s a call celebrate being an individual, an underdog and on the outside. Not accepted by the cool group? No problem, “We can party on our own.” One line in particular summarizes something uniquely American. She sings, “We will never be, never be anything but loud.” I have to admit, this made me laugh the first time I heard it. In my family, we have been called “gentle souls”. We aren’t the loudest people you will ever meet, that’s for sure. But when we lived overseas, even when we were consciously trying to be quiet, we were still the loudest people on the street. In fact, in Europe, you can usually pick out the Americans because they are yelling things to each other like, “Hey, get over here, you gotta see this!”

Boys Like Girls Love Drunk is a fun song with one of the funniest lines I’ve heard in a long time.

I used to be love drunk, but now I’m hung over. I love you forever, forever is over. We used to kiss all night, now it’s just a bar fight. So don’t call me crazy, say hello to goodbye.

Yeah, I’ve seen young people who think they’ve found the one descend into misery rather quickly.