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The Thing About Marriage Is…


This is one of Jeff’s favorite pictures of us – on our 15 year wedding anniversary. The adventure continues…

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. Not hardly long enough to understand very much of what it means to join my life and heart with another, and just long enough to get a glimpse of both how beautiful and heartbreaking the attempt can be.

The thing about marriage is…no one comes into it with any idea of what they are doing. I realize now it is better that way for all involved. Nineteen years ago I thought marriage was about love. About companionship. About sex. About beginning a new family together. And it most certainly is all of that.

But…for some…those brave enough to make the attempt for something greater…who are hopefully surrounded by marriage mentors able to explain and model the process…or those who God pulls along kicking and screaming… (My category, by the way.)

Marriage can also about two broken people, being courageous enough to undress their broken souls in front of the other… in all its raw vulnerability, almost never at convenient times, usually in shockingly unpredictable ways… and asking to be loved…offering unconditional love to the other…the very things that broken souls struggle to do.

And along the way, if both husband and wife face their fear of rejection, of abandonment, of failure…if they decide to do the hard and at times terrifying heart work needed to repair the damage sin has done in their lives…if they decide to stay present both physically and emotionally, even when everything in them is leading them to retreat…they have a unique opportunity.


And this is one of my favorite pictures of us two…taken before a flight I made to Oslo…so much symbolism here…

To experience healing. Growth. To develop hearts with greater capacity to love and receive love. To do this amazing thing where their lives become more intertwined and interdependent…yet at the same time they become more fully the individual God created them to be…cheering each other on in their journey, both from the sideline as a fan, and in the race as partner all at the same time.

And if they keep at it…one day…what began as two broken people uniting in their brokenness, has the potential to become two more-whole people, enjoying the delightful and tender experience of loving and being loved by the more complete, more mature version of their spouse.  Because years into a marriage, one’s husband or wife is both the same person they married, and also, the different person that their time together has helped craft. And as their bodies decline with age and the mileage of life, their hearts can come alive, enabling a togetherness and love that is unavailable… and honestly, unimaginable in their youthful brokenness.

This is how two become one. It is a longer, messier, and more gloriously wonderful journey than anyone could ever explain to another. Instead, it must be personally experienced through the years.

The thing about marriage is…it isn’t what most people think it is. It can be more. Way more.



6 thoughts on “The Thing About Marriage Is…

  1. Great post, Deanna! I’ve always loved your perspective on love and marriage and appreciate you teaching me about it (and continuing to teach me about it). I pray that one day I will get to experience that union for myself 🙂


  2. Once again, so blessed always reading the insightful truths that gather in your mind and flow out to us.

    Thank you for faithfully pouring out of the overflow that comes into your heart.

    And….Happy and blessed anniversary with decades of ‘getting better all the time’ to come.

    Hugs from my heart, Connie


  3. Reblogged this on Human Relationships and commented:
    I was about to comment on your post, asking to share your thoughts about marriage, when I saw all my questions were already answered! Sharing!!!

    Many ladies wrote to Human Relationships, mentioning that marriage is not a happy and enjoyable event. Huge amount of ladies, abused and disappointed after bad divorce or break up, don’t believe in happy endings anymore! Betrayal from their partners made them so sure that marriage cannot be happy and forever.

    What would you advise them if they would have a chance to hear your voice about marriage and your survival?
    Thank and for sharing great story and happy 19th year of a long hard work, family and love relationships! 🙂

    email to: humanrelationshins@gmail.com


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